Have had such a stressful few weeks, I can’t even figure out where to start, here goes……
26 February 2010
Took CJ to meet a friend and her wee girl at the local health club. They have a soft play area, so you can sit and catch up while the kids go nuts – everybody’s happy! CJ was having a great time and didn’t want to come away, but it was getting close to dinner time so I told him I was going to the toilet, and then his jacket was going on when I got back. Couldn’t believe the amount of blood on the toilet paper when I wiped, and was even more shocked when I looked in the loo – you would have thought I had peed blood! (Sorry tmi) I was stunned, there was no blood on my pants, so I must have just caught it time – thank goodness – or we could have had a very embarrassing situation. I tried to wipe away as much as possible and pad my pants out with toilet paper. I walked as quickly as I could back to my friend, explained what had happened, got CJ and left.
Poor wee guy was chucked into the living room, jacket still on, given a packet of fridge raiders and crisps for his dinner, Handy Manny on the TV and abandoned. I ran to the loo and couldn’t believe the amount of blood, I couldn’t stem the flow and broke down in tears. I don’t know how long I was in there, but I eventually ran upstairs to pull on some clean pants a pant liner and some pyjama bottoms. I came back downstairs and called the Early Pregnancy Unit. The girl on the phone was nice and tried to calm me down and booked us in for a scan the next morning.
I came off the phone and went to check on my poor wee abandoned boy who was quite content munching his chicken watching Handy Manny, so I took off his jacket and went to call my mum and dad to see if they could watch him tomorrow. Dad answered and was so upset, and we arranged a time for him and mum to come over.
I didn’t want to call DH as I didn’t want him to upset him while he was driving, so I just sent text asking if he could come home. About ten minutes later he called and said he was five minutes away and asked what was wrong. By this point I still couldn’t talk without breaking down, so of course I ended up in floods of tears saying, “I’m bleeding, I think we’re losing the other one”. There was just so much blood, every time I stood up it would gush out (sorry!) so I sat on the couch with CJ and we waited for DH to come home.
When DH walked into the living room he looked grey poor guy, I didn’t know what to say to him, and we didn’t want to be upset in front of the wee man, so it was big hugs all round with the wee fella joining in - my heart was breaking.
Mum and dad were going out that night to a family do, so I was stunned and touched when my dad popped in just after six. CJ was so excited to see his papa he was the perfect distraction from what was going through everyone’s mind.
That night as DH and I lay in bed we talked about getting away for a holiday, being able to afford private education for CJ, not having to upgrade DH’s car as quickly as we would have – basically trying to put a positive spin on it. I had lost so much blood there was no way there could still be a baby.
27 February 2010
We sat in the waiting room reading the same posters we had before. I couldn’t believe how tired I was. I could have fallen asleep then and there if my mind wasn’t racing so much. When the midwife called us, we were shown into the scan room and she asked how we were, again my voice cracked and I tried to explain what had happened. She was very sympathetic, but to be honest, didn’t look too hopeful. I lay down on the bed and waited. I tried not to look at the screen, but couldn’t help myself. DH held my hand tight, and then we both let out a gasp! “Was that…did I?” The midwife smiled, “there you go, everything is fine”. We couldn’t believe it, there was the wee thing bouncing around good style. The midwife measured him, and he was the perfect size too. I wept with joy!
Mum and dad were stunned too; I think we were all in a state of shock. I was given strict instructions by DH, mum and dad, to take it easy and not move from the couch – no problem!
Later that afternoon, my mum came back over to check how we were doing and keep CJ entertained, but it was the other way around. He had us in stitches, laughing at him singing. He was belting out nursery rhymes into an echo mike, then when he finished and you gave him a round of applause, he put his thumb up and said, “thank you, thank you”. Where he has got this from we have no idea!
1st March 2010
I have caught an absolutely stinking cold – I know it’s because I’m so run down. All I can have is paracetamol and manuka honey, feel ill! I also feel drained, as if I have experienced every emotion possible in the last few days – exhausting. Head’s still bursting too.
4th March 2010
Still bleeding. It had tailed off to a discharge, but back to a period now.
7th March 2010
Kept a small amount of maternity bits and pieces from when I was expecting CJ and got DH to dig them out for me. Need the sports bras desperately! Have picked out a couple of tops that aren’t too “maternity” but will tide me over for a couple of weeks, I’m just a bit porky at the moment, a bit lardy! Not got a bump yet, just a spare tyre – or three!
9th March 2010
Worried again. Had strange thing happen today, my bladder gave way! I’ve never had bladder problems before, but this was weird, it was like I had no control, but when I went to the loo, I could stop the flow no problem, so why was I “leaking?”
At the scan that evening, doctor got wee fella on the screen right away and let us hear his heartbeat – it was so strong. She also measured him and he was the perfect size, however she was concerned that there wasn’t more amniotic fluid. The reason for my weak bladder suddenly dawned on me – my waters had broke. I asked the doctor if this was possible, but she didn’t seem to want to commit to an answer. She said without the bleeding stopping, it was difficult to say. What she did say though, was we weren’t out of the woods yet and made an appointment for another scan for the following Tuesday.
That night I Googled amniotic fluid and made my own diagnosis – we were losing our baby.
10th March 2010
Appointment with Dr Willocks today – at least we knew she would be straight with us. She had been with us every step of the way with CJ and then my fibroid; I knew we could rely on her.
She chatted away with CJ when she came into the room, and told us how delighted she was when she had heard we were pregnant, then she asked how we were. We went through everything and she told she had spoken with the doctor who had scanned us. Her face spoke volumes. She said it didn’t look good, she would love to be proved wrong, but for a baby to lose fluid this early was bad. If it was around 20-30 weeks, you would run the risk of being premature and having respiratory problems so for it happen this early….
She then went on to say we had gone through so much to get pregnant she assumed we would rather let “it” happen naturally, I agreed, and the tears started to flow. She kept apologising and I actually felt sorry for her. I was so impressed with her care before, I had actually given her a thank you card and small photo frame at my last appointment before the myomectomy and she had been all embarrassed. But I told her I got so fed up with people bad mouthing the NHS that I liked to give thanks where it was due.
When we got up to leave she said she would be at Wishaw all day Friday, and to call if I needed anything, I thanked her and gave her a hug, she told me she still had her wee photo frame on her desk, she then hugged DH and apologised again, I couldn’t believe this was happening.
When we stepped outside I saw a girl – pregnant – taking as many draws as possible from a cigarette before getting in her car, I wanted to put her up against the wall and slap her. I’ve never felt so much anger.
DH and I hugged for ages before getting in the car. I can’t explain how heavy my heart felt – still does. I so wanted to give CJ a sibling, he would be a great big brother. Can’t believe what a miracle that wee guy is – he’s a gift.
12th March 2010
Friends wee girls birthday, so CJ and I are off to party, lol! My mate does all kinds of therapy procedures, from spray tans to colonic, so I got a free eyebrow wax and tint – fab! Her sister had a wee girl 18 weeks ago, so she was there and I had a wee cuddle. CJ was straight over wanting a wee hug, handing the baby toys and talking away to her. Realising what a great big brother he would have been almost had me choking up again, but when I think of how lucky DH and I are to have such a fabulous wee boy, I give myself a shake and appreciate what I have and not worry about what I don’t.
26 February 2010
Took CJ to meet a friend and her wee girl at the local health club. They have a soft play area, so you can sit and catch up while the kids go nuts – everybody’s happy! CJ was having a great time and didn’t want to come away, but it was getting close to dinner time so I told him I was going to the toilet, and then his jacket was going on when I got back. Couldn’t believe the amount of blood on the toilet paper when I wiped, and was even more shocked when I looked in the loo – you would have thought I had peed blood! (Sorry tmi) I was stunned, there was no blood on my pants, so I must have just caught it time – thank goodness – or we could have had a very embarrassing situation. I tried to wipe away as much as possible and pad my pants out with toilet paper. I walked as quickly as I could back to my friend, explained what had happened, got CJ and left.
Poor wee guy was chucked into the living room, jacket still on, given a packet of fridge raiders and crisps for his dinner, Handy Manny on the TV and abandoned. I ran to the loo and couldn’t believe the amount of blood, I couldn’t stem the flow and broke down in tears. I don’t know how long I was in there, but I eventually ran upstairs to pull on some clean pants a pant liner and some pyjama bottoms. I came back downstairs and called the Early Pregnancy Unit. The girl on the phone was nice and tried to calm me down and booked us in for a scan the next morning.
I came off the phone and went to check on my poor wee abandoned boy who was quite content munching his chicken watching Handy Manny, so I took off his jacket and went to call my mum and dad to see if they could watch him tomorrow. Dad answered and was so upset, and we arranged a time for him and mum to come over.
I didn’t want to call DH as I didn’t want him to upset him while he was driving, so I just sent text asking if he could come home. About ten minutes later he called and said he was five minutes away and asked what was wrong. By this point I still couldn’t talk without breaking down, so of course I ended up in floods of tears saying, “I’m bleeding, I think we’re losing the other one”. There was just so much blood, every time I stood up it would gush out (sorry!) so I sat on the couch with CJ and we waited for DH to come home.
When DH walked into the living room he looked grey poor guy, I didn’t know what to say to him, and we didn’t want to be upset in front of the wee man, so it was big hugs all round with the wee fella joining in - my heart was breaking.
Mum and dad were going out that night to a family do, so I was stunned and touched when my dad popped in just after six. CJ was so excited to see his papa he was the perfect distraction from what was going through everyone’s mind.
That night as DH and I lay in bed we talked about getting away for a holiday, being able to afford private education for CJ, not having to upgrade DH’s car as quickly as we would have – basically trying to put a positive spin on it. I had lost so much blood there was no way there could still be a baby.
27 February 2010
We sat in the waiting room reading the same posters we had before. I couldn’t believe how tired I was. I could have fallen asleep then and there if my mind wasn’t racing so much. When the midwife called us, we were shown into the scan room and she asked how we were, again my voice cracked and I tried to explain what had happened. She was very sympathetic, but to be honest, didn’t look too hopeful. I lay down on the bed and waited. I tried not to look at the screen, but couldn’t help myself. DH held my hand tight, and then we both let out a gasp! “Was that…did I?” The midwife smiled, “there you go, everything is fine”. We couldn’t believe it, there was the wee thing bouncing around good style. The midwife measured him, and he was the perfect size too. I wept with joy!
Mum and dad were stunned too; I think we were all in a state of shock. I was given strict instructions by DH, mum and dad, to take it easy and not move from the couch – no problem!
Later that afternoon, my mum came back over to check how we were doing and keep CJ entertained, but it was the other way around. He had us in stitches, laughing at him singing. He was belting out nursery rhymes into an echo mike, then when he finished and you gave him a round of applause, he put his thumb up and said, “thank you, thank you”. Where he has got this from we have no idea!
1st March 2010
I have caught an absolutely stinking cold – I know it’s because I’m so run down. All I can have is paracetamol and manuka honey, feel ill! I also feel drained, as if I have experienced every emotion possible in the last few days – exhausting. Head’s still bursting too.
4th March 2010
Still bleeding. It had tailed off to a discharge, but back to a period now.
7th March 2010
Kept a small amount of maternity bits and pieces from when I was expecting CJ and got DH to dig them out for me. Need the sports bras desperately! Have picked out a couple of tops that aren’t too “maternity” but will tide me over for a couple of weeks, I’m just a bit porky at the moment, a bit lardy! Not got a bump yet, just a spare tyre – or three!
9th March 2010
Worried again. Had strange thing happen today, my bladder gave way! I’ve never had bladder problems before, but this was weird, it was like I had no control, but when I went to the loo, I could stop the flow no problem, so why was I “leaking?”
At the scan that evening, doctor got wee fella on the screen right away and let us hear his heartbeat – it was so strong. She also measured him and he was the perfect size, however she was concerned that there wasn’t more amniotic fluid. The reason for my weak bladder suddenly dawned on me – my waters had broke. I asked the doctor if this was possible, but she didn’t seem to want to commit to an answer. She said without the bleeding stopping, it was difficult to say. What she did say though, was we weren’t out of the woods yet and made an appointment for another scan for the following Tuesday.
That night I Googled amniotic fluid and made my own diagnosis – we were losing our baby.
10th March 2010
Appointment with Dr Willocks today – at least we knew she would be straight with us. She had been with us every step of the way with CJ and then my fibroid; I knew we could rely on her.
She chatted away with CJ when she came into the room, and told us how delighted she was when she had heard we were pregnant, then she asked how we were. We went through everything and she told she had spoken with the doctor who had scanned us. Her face spoke volumes. She said it didn’t look good, she would love to be proved wrong, but for a baby to lose fluid this early was bad. If it was around 20-30 weeks, you would run the risk of being premature and having respiratory problems so for it happen this early….
She then went on to say we had gone through so much to get pregnant she assumed we would rather let “it” happen naturally, I agreed, and the tears started to flow. She kept apologising and I actually felt sorry for her. I was so impressed with her care before, I had actually given her a thank you card and small photo frame at my last appointment before the myomectomy and she had been all embarrassed. But I told her I got so fed up with people bad mouthing the NHS that I liked to give thanks where it was due.
When we got up to leave she said she would be at Wishaw all day Friday, and to call if I needed anything, I thanked her and gave her a hug, she told me she still had her wee photo frame on her desk, she then hugged DH and apologised again, I couldn’t believe this was happening.
When we stepped outside I saw a girl – pregnant – taking as many draws as possible from a cigarette before getting in her car, I wanted to put her up against the wall and slap her. I’ve never felt so much anger.
DH and I hugged for ages before getting in the car. I can’t explain how heavy my heart felt – still does. I so wanted to give CJ a sibling, he would be a great big brother. Can’t believe what a miracle that wee guy is – he’s a gift.
12th March 2010
Friends wee girls birthday, so CJ and I are off to party, lol! My mate does all kinds of therapy procedures, from spray tans to colonic, so I got a free eyebrow wax and tint – fab! Her sister had a wee girl 18 weeks ago, so she was there and I had a wee cuddle. CJ was straight over wanting a wee hug, handing the baby toys and talking away to her. Realising what a great big brother he would have been almost had me choking up again, but when I think of how lucky DH and I are to have such a fabulous wee boy, I give myself a shake and appreciate what I have and not worry about what I don’t.
posted by Tony's missus at 11:42 am
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