Months of diary entries coming up – it’s been tough....
10th July 2010
My dining room resembled something of a jumble sale today! Ended up putting all the clothes on Gumtree so had two ladies come to buy it all today – all I have left are three pairs of shoes ( the nicest ones in my opinion – no accounting for taste!). It was actually a relief to get rid of it, just the prams now.
15th July 2010
Quite possibly our toughest day yet. Called Dr Willocks secretary as we hadn’t had any news on baby’s Post Mortem. I didn’t want it to get any closer to the due date, without hearing why we had lost him, I was sure it was a boy. While I was at the gym, I missed a call from an unknown number, I knew it must have been the hospital. I asked DH to call them, that was not a conversation I wanted to have in the Esporta changing room. When I got home, I asked if he had got through, he had. We had lost a boy, I knew it. I choked up immediately. Apparently they couldn’t find anything wrong with him. Devastated doesn’t come close to how we were feeling. We could go to see Dr Willocks to discuss everything in more detail, but it felt pointless, it wasn’t going to make any difference.
Before we went to collect CJ from nursery we got a call from a woman wanting to view the Silver Cross, her timing was impeccable! We’ve had tonnes of watchers but no buyers on Ebay, I was beginning to wonder if it was ever going to sell! Needless to say, she bought it – for a song! I was in no mood to haggle, so she got a bargain, part of me wanted it gone, it was a constant reminder at the bottom of my stairs, but part of me still saw CJ as a tiny baby napping inside.
That evening was awful, DH had to go to work, and once CJ was in bed, I sat and sobbed my heart out, we had lost a healthy wee boy, how on earth does that happen. I tormented myself again with the whole single embryo argument, but what embryo would have been transferred the second healthy one, or the first we lost?
17th July 2010
Back to caravan for the weekend. Mum and dad were at Ayr, so we popped through to see them. It was a lovely weekend, but I’m shattered. Since the PM result, I can’t sleep, my mind is racing every night with thoughts of what stage in my pregnancy I should be at, what our wee boy would have looked like, if he would have been anything like CJ, or if they would have been chalk and cheese like my sister and I – just can’t sleep.
CJ did the sweetest thing on Sunday before we left. He had built some sandcastles and when we were walking away, he turned round at blew them all kisses, saying bye, bye sandcastles!
21st July 2010
Went to the gym today and was doing my usual circuit when my fitness instructor mate Suzy came in and told me she was about to practice Zumba in the studio. Offered myself as a crash test dummy, and loved it! Totally shattered though!
22nd July 2010
My sister texted me a picture of my nieces room. She has a new carpet – it has to be the most bubble gum pink you have ever seen. It suits her perfectly as she is the most girly girl you could meet!
23rd July 2010
Decided to spend a long weekend at the caravan, as I’m still not sleeping well. My brain can’t switch off at night at all, and I sometimes lie there crying to myself while everyone else sleeps. Actually had a great time again, the weather was perfect, and again, we had the beach to ourselves – DH even had a swim!! Took some great pictures, and got a lovely one of CJ walking the dog on lead – too cute!
3rd August 2010
Bit the bullet and went to the doctors. I’m shattered and can burst into tears at the drop of a hat. Even going to the gym isn’t making any difference, but then again, I can only manage two afternoons a week when CJ is in nursery, which is better than nothing I suppose. Anyway the second I sat down and the Dr asked, “how are you?” that was me off again. I told her I had been like this since the PM result came through, but she said it was to be expected anyway. It was up to me, I could get an anti-depressant, or see how I got on with the sleeping tablets alone. I took the sleeping tablets and promised to come back after the due date to see how I was doing. She was really nice and we discussed the option of trying again, which was still a no-go area for me, but she said not to decide too quickly, as I didn’t know how I was going to feel, say, this time next year.
That night I met my fertility girlfriends at Pizza Hut. It was great catching up with them again. It was nice to sit and chat about normal stuff, and hear all the stories involving their kids, in-laws, workmates...... They were also incredibly sympathetic when I had a small meltdown as the conversation turned to me.
6th August 2010
Got chapped up this morning by the park ranger. Poker straight face he said to DH, “you’ll notice you have some visitors” and nodded his head toward eight sheep in our garden behind him! They had managed to escape from the country park behind our house and were contentedly munching our grass. The ranger asked DH to move his car to the bottom of the drive so they couldn’t escape onto the main road while he went to get the farmer. So glad we hadn’t let the dog out for her morning pee or who knows what would have happened! Anyway, DH had to go to work, so we had to slowly move his car out, while moving my car down to the drive as the farmer still hadn’t appeared an hour later. When he eventually showed up with his dog, between us we had to try to get the sheep out without scaring them onto the road. Needless to say, they ran onto the road, which thankfully was quiet by now, but the cars were going nice and slow, or at the speed limit anyway, so they all trotted safely back into the park!
7th August 2010
Back to the caravan for another lovely weekend – can’t believe how lucky we have been with the weather! Not one bad weekend yet! So funny, CJ’s friends – two seven year old girls popped by to see him and sat in his room watching DVD’s. Two years old and has two girls in his room watching DVDs!!!
Honestly think getting the caravan is one of the best things we have ever done, it couldn’t have come at a better time. I’m still having the odd wobble, the closer to the due date we get the harder I’m finding it. For some strange reason, craming ourselves into a space half the size of our living room is unbelievably relaxing. The location is fab. You can sit on deserted Prestwick Beach and let your mind wander. While you might be unbelievably down, you can watch CJ build castles and collect shells and stones while the dog waits patiently on someone throwing a stick into the sea, and feel blessed for the family we have.
20th August 2010
Went to my friend Rebecca’s today for a playdate. When I arrived she asked how I was, and I was honest and told her not great. We were talking about how there was only three weeks until my due date, and she got really upset and started crying herself, so, that of course set me off too!
I can’t believe how low I am. My sister and friends have told me to get back to the doctors, but I’ll leave it until after our week off. DH has booked time off, so we’ll go down to the caravan from the 4th of September. I’ll see how I am after that. My sleeping tablets have almost finished, but I don’t want to go back for more unless I really need them, I can always buy Nytol or something if I need it.
25th August 2010
CJ had a charity fancy dress at nursery today. My sister brought him a Barcelona strip last year back from her holidays, which was too big at the time, so I spiked up his hair and dressed him as a footballer – he was incredibly cute!
Had a horrible moment when I pulled up outside the nursery and saw one of the kids leaving with his mum with no costume on and thought I had my dates wrong again ala parents night! But when we went inside there were lots of princesses, Woodys, policemen and Igglepiggle! Whew!!
31st August 2010
Had an article printed in Bella Magazine today – very disappointed! I was contacted months ago, not long after the miscarriage. The journalist was a freelance and had found articles I had done for the Daily Record and Sunday Mail online. I explained about the miscarriage and she asked if I was okay talking about it, I told her yes and gave an interview. I also emailed her my blog/diary, and after reading it she called with a few more questions and put together a piece for Bella. I hadn’t heard anything for quite a while when she called and told me Bella would be contacting me with a contract, so after I had completed it, it was a case of waiting for an insertion date.
Bella eventually got in touch last week and told me it would be in on the 31st and I was grateful it was in before the 8th September, as I don’t think I could have coped with that!
Anyway, I was so disappointed when I read the article – there was no mention of the twins! The article was all about our journey up until CJ was born, which was okay, but there were some major “editing” issues, and was finished off with “attempt to have a sibling has been unsuccessful” which isn’t actually true! The cycle was successful, it’s just that it unfortunately didn’t end in what is classed as a “live birth”.
I met my girlfriends at Pizza Hut that night, and was pleased I kept it together this time. I’m actually feeling a bit better to be honest and looking forward to getting away next week.
3rd September 2010
Had my sister, Suzy, Rebecca and their kids over for a playdate today. The weather was glorious and we sat in the back garden in the sun while the kiddies trashed the place! They were upstairs in CJ’s room, downstairs in the playroom, in the living room, the back garden – they had a ball! Took me ages to clear up afterwards, but seeing CJ have such good fun was worth it, and sitting chatting (when I got the chance) to my sister and mates was great.
5th September 2010
Took off to the caravan today for our week off – it’s strange considering the circumstances, but I’m really looking forward to it, and feeling nothing like as low as I thought I would be!
7th September 2010
Nipped up to Glasgow to the Jubilee to see dad today, as he had his other hip done yesterday. CJ was a little shy, I think he was unsure of his surroundings. When we got back we took the dog a good walk, and DH and CJ had great fun running through the sprinkler system of Prestwick Golf Course! The weather was a little showery, but we had a lovely day yesterday on the beach – so can’t complain!
8th September 2010
Our babies were due today. I woke thinking I would feel very heavy hearted, but after an initial sadness, I was okay. The weather was glorious and we had a fabulous morning on the beach. We all – dog included – went to an Irish pub in Prestwick for lunch and sat in the beer garden enjoying the sunshine. When we came back to the caravan we got prepared for winter by taking down the awning and tidied everything away in a small garden storage box we bought. When we sat down that night after CJ had gone to bed, DH asked if I was okay, and I was amazed that I was. I had been so scared of today, but in a way, I was glad it was over, and I was hoping we could move on. It was only when DH called the second twin, Michael, by his name that I shed a tear.
9th September 2010
Went into Ayr today for some shopping. I was badly needing jeans, so of course we spent over £70 on CJ in Debenhams in Junior J and Little John Rocha! We went for a fantastic lunch in Tam O’Shanters where I think I insulted the waitress by asking for brown sauce for my haggis – oops! I didn’t actually need it, it was amazing!
11th September 2010
Came home, had a lovely week, tinged with a little sadness, but probably the best holiday we’ve had in the caravan yet.
13th September 2010
CJ loves music, singing and dancing. He loves the Glee album in the car and always asks for Sweet Caroline and sings along. I was playing it in the dining room, and CJ ran into his playroom grabbed his guitar. He started “playing” along to Don’t Stop Believing. I taped it on my phone, and kept playing it back – he was hysterical!
16th September 2010
What a night! DH was away to Oban overnight with his work, so when I heard CJ coughing and crying on the monitor, I turned off the TV and decided to just go straight upstairs – just as well! I went in to settle CJ, and he proceeded to throw up everywhere! I had to take him into the bathroom, strip him off and wipe him down before he could get clean jammies on. He howled the whole time poor wee thing, and everything I was asking him was being replied with, “no, no, no”. So when I asked if he wanted in to sleep beside mummy tonight, it was “no, I mean, yes” poor we guy.
Got him settled in my bed, and had to strip his bed down to the mattress. Everything had to go in the machine, so I had to wait up until it was finished to get the two loads done! So tired!
17th September 2010
Rebecca called today. She asked how I was, and I chatted a little, she paused before she spoke again, and I knew what was coming. She was pregnant, and had been scared to tell me. She felt awful that she was telling me so close to the twins due date, but she felt there was no good time to tell me. I felt terrible, not because she was pregnant, but because I was making her feel so bad. I was delighted for her, this will be her third child, and I know she wants a big family. I just felt so bad that I had put her in such an awkward position. She was crying and I was trying to tell her I was fine, and so pleased for her. She’s 13 weeks, and the baby is due in March. I’m so pleased for her, but it’s so sad our wee twins have this ripple effect through our friends and family.....
25 September 2010
Absolutely gorgeous weekend at the caravan - can’t believe we’re having a September Weekend break, in the UK, and it’s scorchio! Happy days!!
Been down to the beach, CJ was actually in paddling, while the dog was swimming in the sea - it was so clear, you would think we were on the Med!
We then had a pub lunch in this great Irish pub in Prestwick. Fantastic big beer garden at the back, so took the dog with us, so she could dry off in the sun…..great weekend!
26 September 2010
Bought CJ a “treehouse” for an early birthday present, it actually looks like a giant hen house, lol! Papa came over this evening to supervise the construction while DH built it and CJ handed over screws etc. He was high as kite once it was built, and we struggled to get him in for bed!
29 September 2010
Second attempt at potty training - not too hopeful!
2nd October 2010
DH and I’s 11th Wedding Anniversary today. Back down to the caravan for an overnight. Went for a lovely lunch to a really nice place called Lido in Troon, then popped into a Craft Fare in the town hall where I bought gorgeous wee handmade stained glass angels. I will keep two for our Christmas tree in memory of the twins…
3rd October 2010
DH’s dads relatives are visiting from India, so we had them over for a bite of lunch - easiest lunch we’ve had - DH’s aunt made a curry and brought it over - delish!!
4 October 2010
Dear Robert G. Edwards, Nobel Prize winner, Thank you for developing IVF.
9 October 2010
October in Prestwick - honest!! Can't believe how amazing the weather has been, ok it's cold at night, but glorious during the day! Only three weeks of the season left, so here's hoping it continues!
13 October 2010
From the age of about seven I had a very close friend. When we turned 19 I moved house, but we still saw each other every weekend. Inevitably in our early twenties we drifted apart, there was never a huge row, just two friends moving in different directions. We would occasionally bump into each other in town, exchange news and mobile numbers.
Anyway, I decided to bow to the pressure and joined Facebook, I looked up my childhood friend, but couldn’t find her. I sent her a text, asked how she was and if she was online. She wasn’t, but asked how thing were with us. I sent a “long story short” text telling her about the miscarriages, and was shocked to hear she and her husband are having trouble conceiving. There then followed loads of messages back and forth consoling each other and hoping everything would work out… Frightening how common infertility is…..
12 October 2010
It's very hard to give a small person a row when they have you doubled in two with laughter! Repeatedly telling CJ to tidy up to deaf ears, he finally whispered to me to "sshh, I'm on the phone" while holding a toy mobile to his ear!
15 October 2010
Today is Worldwide Pregnancy & Infancy Loss Day to remember those who were taken too soon….
17 October 2010
Expensive weekend, and hardly over the door! Washing machine has died and brakes on car done - ouch! Mums going to Iceland this week!!
20 October 2010
Had a very emotional appointment at the GRI today. They had the full results of the Post Mortem. Turns out my placenta was on the small side and there was also a sign of some infection, but this could be put down to losing twin 1 and the fact that my waters had broke a week before the miscarriage.
We also learned that with PGD they automatically transfer two embryos - unless you tell them otherwise - as they have been “tampered” with.
We were then told we could start again in April/May, but to let them know.
They took a bunch of blood samples from me and a high vaginal swab - yuck - to check if everything was ok. They’ll get in touch with the results.
On the way home we picked up a tiny pair of socks of CJs’ we had mounted in a frame, that had “Welcome to the World” printed on them. I sat holding the frame in floods of tears in the car, wondering if I had the strength for another cycle, but thinking if we didn’t try again, how I would feel in a couple of years time when it would be too late.
21 October 2010
Winter’s here - just saw a gritter!
23 October 2010
Caravan season is almost over, as it’s getting so cold, so imagine how I felt when I realised I had forgotten to pack DH & I’s jammies! At least CJ had his! DH went to the small pub onsite and came back with the news that the Halloween Party was a week earlier than he thought! I had outfits at home for us, but nothing here - so it was a quick trip to Asda to buy CJ a skeleton costume and DH and I a pair of pumpkins on springs to wear on our heads!
Felt totally left out as everyone goes to a lot of trouble wearing hired costumes and looking great. There were the Ghostbusters, the Simpsons, witches, monks, flamenco dancers - and that was just the adults!
25 October 2010
Another Pizza Hut night with my fertility girlfriends. Caught up on everyone’s chat, and felt more like my old self than I have in a long time. Don’t get me wrong I still get waves of sadness, but I’m trying to look forward to CJ’s birthday and Christmas. I think this year will be great, as CJ will be really into the whole Santa experience!
29 October 2010
OK, so CJ is a huge Buzz fan and we got him a fantastic Disneyland Paris Buzz costume with flashing lights and catch phrases at the car boot in Ayr. He also has his skeleton costume he wore last week at the caravan site party. So, what did he want to wear to the nursery party? Last years Igglepiggle of course!!! We then went to my friend Suzy’s house for a wee afternoon party/play date. The kids had great fun while I tried unsuccessfully to get Take That tickets…..
30 October 2010
Halloween Party number three. We went to the Esporta family Halloween Party tonight. Was impressed with DH as he definitely wasn’t getting dressed up, but after a couple of glasses of wine he came round!
I November 2010
Poor Lily Allen, had a miscarriage at 6 months - how on earth do you recover from that?
Took Christopher to the park with Gem, everywhere looked amazing with all the autumn colours, so attempted to get the two of them in a picture together - easy - sort of!
3 November 2010
Jordan/Katie Price is messing with my head. Couldn’t care much for her either way before she had Harvey, but admired her after, the way she made sure she could provide what was best for him. Really liked her after I’m A Celeb, and thought she and Pete made a cute couple, although did question her feelings for him after reading interviews with “I love Pete, Pete loves me, I love Pete, Pete loves me……..” thinking, who are you trying to convince?!
Anyway after the split with Pete and the rebound marriage to Alex I went totally off her, but am now torn as it turns out she has had two failed IVF ICSI cycles. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone - she’s messing with my head!
5 November 2010
Tonight we went up to the front of Chatelherault Hunting Lodge, which is a great viewpoint to see practically the whole of Lanarkshire’s firework displays - you can see for miles. Rather than have sparklers though, I bought CJ glow sticks which he thought were great fun and wore round his neck, head, wrist…..
11 November 2010
CJ is three today - oh wow, three years ago today I was having contractions!! It’s amazing looking at these tiny baby photos and watching this wee boy chatting non-stop about Toy Story, Shrek and his friends at nursery!
I had to buy three cakes, one for nursery, one for the family coming to the house tonight and one for Esporta tomorrow! The nursery took some cute pictures and I was chuffed to see his favourite teacher in one of them!
We then had his cousins, nana’s and aunties over after nursery. He loves playing with the bigger boys, and is so smart, he was sitting at the dining room table, turned round and said, mummy I can see two nana’s! Genius, lol!
12 November 2010
Met up with friends at Esporta today for a play date/birthday date! Took the easy option of meeting at the Family area in Esporta which has a small play area. Invited my sister and niece, my two best girlfriends and their kids, and two of CJ’s friends from nursery and their mums, who I am now friendly with.
It was great, the kids could run about crazy, we could catch up - sort of, when we weren’t refereeing - on the chat, and then came birthday cake number three!
13 November 2010
Bought DH an air hockey table for his Christmas a few years ago which sits in his office mostly covered in paperwork! Got him to tidy the place up, as I knew CJ would love it - he was amazing! Told him to put his left hand in his pocket as he kept placing it on the table, which he did no problem and was great - took some video of him I was so chuffed!
16 November 2010
GRI called today with my blood and swab results, everything ok, we’re good to go - but do we want to?
19 November 2010
CJ’s best mate at nursery’s birthday party this evening. He had so much fun. It was a perfect venue, a small soft play area in a community centre - so no other kids there, just the party guests. There was a small room off the play area where the table was set up for food. CJ had so much fun. There was a small helter skelter style chute which he repeatedly slide down - easy pleased!
24 November 2010
Went a bit crazy on the Debenhams website buying stuff in their sale for CJ from the Junior J and Little John Rocha ranges - love their stuff and it fits CJ so well! He’s like a little model! Sadly a pair of black patent knee high boots I had my on weren’t available in my size!
26 November 2010
Another Birthday Cake at Esporta, for Rebecca this time!
27 November 2010
The UK is starting to see some snow, fortunately we’ve only had a light dusting - fingers crossed it stays that way!
28 November 2010
Think it's fair to say our light dusting has turned into an avalanche! Ok slight exaggeration, but it’s seriously deep! Took CJ and the dog into the park where everything looked like the front of a Christmas Card. We then came home and built a fab snowman.
29 November 2010
Not a moment too soon, my snow boots from Sports Direct have arrived! Not the most attractive footwear I have ever bought, but oh my, they are toasty!
4 December 2010
Went to see Santa at Chatelherault today. Can honestly say he was the nicest Santa I have ever seen. He made a huge fuss of CJ and my niece, he was a lovely old man, in a gorgeous suit, with his magic key round his neck and a big book of girls and boys names.
We then came home and put up the Christmas Tree. CJ was so funny, he copied everything his daddy did, including crawling under the tree to make sure it was tight into the corner!
Small moment of sadness when I hung our two wee angels at the top….
6 December 2010
Cant believe how crazy this weather is! Woke up this morning, to a bright cold day, by lunch we were completely snowed in. Traffic outside was at a standstill and DH had been sitting in the same spot on the M8 for hours. He eventually got moving, but had to abandon his car and walk home. It took him almost three hours walking down the middle of the road - no cars could move - in slip on leather shoes!
By the time he got home his feet were bleeding, his shoes were wrecked, but he was home in one piece!
8 December 2010
DH tried to recover his car yesterday, but couldn’t get it out of the side road he had parked it on, it’ll be days before he can get it back!
Only one thing to do in this weather - get the coal fire on.
11 December 2010
Great day out today. My sister had booked us both in to get our makeup done during the summer at the MAC counter in House of Fraser as a pick me up after I lost the babies. For various reasons we kept having to postpone, but we booked for today as we had a night out in Princes Square with the aunties!
Sis and I looked great - we paid extra to have false eyelashes applied! We then went back to the Central Bar in Central Station to wait on our mum and aunties arriving, but we missed them so met them at the restaurant after a few vodkas!
12 December 2010
Panto today! Mum, dad, sis, neice, sisters mother-in-law, DH, CJ and I all went to see Peter Pan today - it was excellent - much better than I expected! Best thing was, all the songs they were singing were all favourites of CJ and my neices - they loved it! We’ll definitely be back next year for Beauty and the Beast!
16 December 2010
CJ’s nursery party today, he was looking all smart in his Junior Js, but he was obviously feeling under dressed compared to the girls - he came running over to me as I was signing him in, saying, mummy where’s my costume?
22 December 2010
Three more sleeps….
10th July 2010
My dining room resembled something of a jumble sale today! Ended up putting all the clothes on Gumtree so had two ladies come to buy it all today – all I have left are three pairs of shoes ( the nicest ones in my opinion – no accounting for taste!). It was actually a relief to get rid of it, just the prams now.
15th July 2010
Quite possibly our toughest day yet. Called Dr Willocks secretary as we hadn’t had any news on baby’s Post Mortem. I didn’t want it to get any closer to the due date, without hearing why we had lost him, I was sure it was a boy. While I was at the gym, I missed a call from an unknown number, I knew it must have been the hospital. I asked DH to call them, that was not a conversation I wanted to have in the Esporta changing room. When I got home, I asked if he had got through, he had. We had lost a boy, I knew it. I choked up immediately. Apparently they couldn’t find anything wrong with him. Devastated doesn’t come close to how we were feeling. We could go to see Dr Willocks to discuss everything in more detail, but it felt pointless, it wasn’t going to make any difference.
Before we went to collect CJ from nursery we got a call from a woman wanting to view the Silver Cross, her timing was impeccable! We’ve had tonnes of watchers but no buyers on Ebay, I was beginning to wonder if it was ever going to sell! Needless to say, she bought it – for a song! I was in no mood to haggle, so she got a bargain, part of me wanted it gone, it was a constant reminder at the bottom of my stairs, but part of me still saw CJ as a tiny baby napping inside.
That evening was awful, DH had to go to work, and once CJ was in bed, I sat and sobbed my heart out, we had lost a healthy wee boy, how on earth does that happen. I tormented myself again with the whole single embryo argument, but what embryo would have been transferred the second healthy one, or the first we lost?
17th July 2010
Back to caravan for the weekend. Mum and dad were at Ayr, so we popped through to see them. It was a lovely weekend, but I’m shattered. Since the PM result, I can’t sleep, my mind is racing every night with thoughts of what stage in my pregnancy I should be at, what our wee boy would have looked like, if he would have been anything like CJ, or if they would have been chalk and cheese like my sister and I – just can’t sleep.
CJ did the sweetest thing on Sunday before we left. He had built some sandcastles and when we were walking away, he turned round at blew them all kisses, saying bye, bye sandcastles!
21st July 2010
Went to the gym today and was doing my usual circuit when my fitness instructor mate Suzy came in and told me she was about to practice Zumba in the studio. Offered myself as a crash test dummy, and loved it! Totally shattered though!
22nd July 2010
My sister texted me a picture of my nieces room. She has a new carpet – it has to be the most bubble gum pink you have ever seen. It suits her perfectly as she is the most girly girl you could meet!
23rd July 2010
Decided to spend a long weekend at the caravan, as I’m still not sleeping well. My brain can’t switch off at night at all, and I sometimes lie there crying to myself while everyone else sleeps. Actually had a great time again, the weather was perfect, and again, we had the beach to ourselves – DH even had a swim!! Took some great pictures, and got a lovely one of CJ walking the dog on lead – too cute!
3rd August 2010
Bit the bullet and went to the doctors. I’m shattered and can burst into tears at the drop of a hat. Even going to the gym isn’t making any difference, but then again, I can only manage two afternoons a week when CJ is in nursery, which is better than nothing I suppose. Anyway the second I sat down and the Dr asked, “how are you?” that was me off again. I told her I had been like this since the PM result came through, but she said it was to be expected anyway. It was up to me, I could get an anti-depressant, or see how I got on with the sleeping tablets alone. I took the sleeping tablets and promised to come back after the due date to see how I was doing. She was really nice and we discussed the option of trying again, which was still a no-go area for me, but she said not to decide too quickly, as I didn’t know how I was going to feel, say, this time next year.
That night I met my fertility girlfriends at Pizza Hut. It was great catching up with them again. It was nice to sit and chat about normal stuff, and hear all the stories involving their kids, in-laws, workmates...... They were also incredibly sympathetic when I had a small meltdown as the conversation turned to me.
6th August 2010
Got chapped up this morning by the park ranger. Poker straight face he said to DH, “you’ll notice you have some visitors” and nodded his head toward eight sheep in our garden behind him! They had managed to escape from the country park behind our house and were contentedly munching our grass. The ranger asked DH to move his car to the bottom of the drive so they couldn’t escape onto the main road while he went to get the farmer. So glad we hadn’t let the dog out for her morning pee or who knows what would have happened! Anyway, DH had to go to work, so we had to slowly move his car out, while moving my car down to the drive as the farmer still hadn’t appeared an hour later. When he eventually showed up with his dog, between us we had to try to get the sheep out without scaring them onto the road. Needless to say, they ran onto the road, which thankfully was quiet by now, but the cars were going nice and slow, or at the speed limit anyway, so they all trotted safely back into the park!
7th August 2010
Back to the caravan for another lovely weekend – can’t believe how lucky we have been with the weather! Not one bad weekend yet! So funny, CJ’s friends – two seven year old girls popped by to see him and sat in his room watching DVD’s. Two years old and has two girls in his room watching DVDs!!!
Honestly think getting the caravan is one of the best things we have ever done, it couldn’t have come at a better time. I’m still having the odd wobble, the closer to the due date we get the harder I’m finding it. For some strange reason, craming ourselves into a space half the size of our living room is unbelievably relaxing. The location is fab. You can sit on deserted Prestwick Beach and let your mind wander. While you might be unbelievably down, you can watch CJ build castles and collect shells and stones while the dog waits patiently on someone throwing a stick into the sea, and feel blessed for the family we have.
20th August 2010
Went to my friend Rebecca’s today for a playdate. When I arrived she asked how I was, and I was honest and told her not great. We were talking about how there was only three weeks until my due date, and she got really upset and started crying herself, so, that of course set me off too!
I can’t believe how low I am. My sister and friends have told me to get back to the doctors, but I’ll leave it until after our week off. DH has booked time off, so we’ll go down to the caravan from the 4th of September. I’ll see how I am after that. My sleeping tablets have almost finished, but I don’t want to go back for more unless I really need them, I can always buy Nytol or something if I need it.
25th August 2010
CJ had a charity fancy dress at nursery today. My sister brought him a Barcelona strip last year back from her holidays, which was too big at the time, so I spiked up his hair and dressed him as a footballer – he was incredibly cute!
Had a horrible moment when I pulled up outside the nursery and saw one of the kids leaving with his mum with no costume on and thought I had my dates wrong again ala parents night! But when we went inside there were lots of princesses, Woodys, policemen and Igglepiggle! Whew!!
31st August 2010
Had an article printed in Bella Magazine today – very disappointed! I was contacted months ago, not long after the miscarriage. The journalist was a freelance and had found articles I had done for the Daily Record and Sunday Mail online. I explained about the miscarriage and she asked if I was okay talking about it, I told her yes and gave an interview. I also emailed her my blog/diary, and after reading it she called with a few more questions and put together a piece for Bella. I hadn’t heard anything for quite a while when she called and told me Bella would be contacting me with a contract, so after I had completed it, it was a case of waiting for an insertion date.
Bella eventually got in touch last week and told me it would be in on the 31st and I was grateful it was in before the 8th September, as I don’t think I could have coped with that!
Anyway, I was so disappointed when I read the article – there was no mention of the twins! The article was all about our journey up until CJ was born, which was okay, but there were some major “editing” issues, and was finished off with “attempt to have a sibling has been unsuccessful” which isn’t actually true! The cycle was successful, it’s just that it unfortunately didn’t end in what is classed as a “live birth”.
I met my girlfriends at Pizza Hut that night, and was pleased I kept it together this time. I’m actually feeling a bit better to be honest and looking forward to getting away next week.
3rd September 2010
Had my sister, Suzy, Rebecca and their kids over for a playdate today. The weather was glorious and we sat in the back garden in the sun while the kiddies trashed the place! They were upstairs in CJ’s room, downstairs in the playroom, in the living room, the back garden – they had a ball! Took me ages to clear up afterwards, but seeing CJ have such good fun was worth it, and sitting chatting (when I got the chance) to my sister and mates was great.
5th September 2010
Took off to the caravan today for our week off – it’s strange considering the circumstances, but I’m really looking forward to it, and feeling nothing like as low as I thought I would be!
7th September 2010
Nipped up to Glasgow to the Jubilee to see dad today, as he had his other hip done yesterday. CJ was a little shy, I think he was unsure of his surroundings. When we got back we took the dog a good walk, and DH and CJ had great fun running through the sprinkler system of Prestwick Golf Course! The weather was a little showery, but we had a lovely day yesterday on the beach – so can’t complain!
8th September 2010
Our babies were due today. I woke thinking I would feel very heavy hearted, but after an initial sadness, I was okay. The weather was glorious and we had a fabulous morning on the beach. We all – dog included – went to an Irish pub in Prestwick for lunch and sat in the beer garden enjoying the sunshine. When we came back to the caravan we got prepared for winter by taking down the awning and tidied everything away in a small garden storage box we bought. When we sat down that night after CJ had gone to bed, DH asked if I was okay, and I was amazed that I was. I had been so scared of today, but in a way, I was glad it was over, and I was hoping we could move on. It was only when DH called the second twin, Michael, by his name that I shed a tear.
9th September 2010
Went into Ayr today for some shopping. I was badly needing jeans, so of course we spent over £70 on CJ in Debenhams in Junior J and Little John Rocha! We went for a fantastic lunch in Tam O’Shanters where I think I insulted the waitress by asking for brown sauce for my haggis – oops! I didn’t actually need it, it was amazing!
11th September 2010
Came home, had a lovely week, tinged with a little sadness, but probably the best holiday we’ve had in the caravan yet.
13th September 2010
CJ loves music, singing and dancing. He loves the Glee album in the car and always asks for Sweet Caroline and sings along. I was playing it in the dining room, and CJ ran into his playroom grabbed his guitar. He started “playing” along to Don’t Stop Believing. I taped it on my phone, and kept playing it back – he was hysterical!
16th September 2010
What a night! DH was away to Oban overnight with his work, so when I heard CJ coughing and crying on the monitor, I turned off the TV and decided to just go straight upstairs – just as well! I went in to settle CJ, and he proceeded to throw up everywhere! I had to take him into the bathroom, strip him off and wipe him down before he could get clean jammies on. He howled the whole time poor wee thing, and everything I was asking him was being replied with, “no, no, no”. So when I asked if he wanted in to sleep beside mummy tonight, it was “no, I mean, yes” poor we guy.
Got him settled in my bed, and had to strip his bed down to the mattress. Everything had to go in the machine, so I had to wait up until it was finished to get the two loads done! So tired!
17th September 2010
Rebecca called today. She asked how I was, and I chatted a little, she paused before she spoke again, and I knew what was coming. She was pregnant, and had been scared to tell me. She felt awful that she was telling me so close to the twins due date, but she felt there was no good time to tell me. I felt terrible, not because she was pregnant, but because I was making her feel so bad. I was delighted for her, this will be her third child, and I know she wants a big family. I just felt so bad that I had put her in such an awkward position. She was crying and I was trying to tell her I was fine, and so pleased for her. She’s 13 weeks, and the baby is due in March. I’m so pleased for her, but it’s so sad our wee twins have this ripple effect through our friends and family.....
25 September 2010
Absolutely gorgeous weekend at the caravan - can’t believe we’re having a September Weekend break, in the UK, and it’s scorchio! Happy days!!
Been down to the beach, CJ was actually in paddling, while the dog was swimming in the sea - it was so clear, you would think we were on the Med!
We then had a pub lunch in this great Irish pub in Prestwick. Fantastic big beer garden at the back, so took the dog with us, so she could dry off in the sun…..great weekend!
26 September 2010
Bought CJ a “treehouse” for an early birthday present, it actually looks like a giant hen house, lol! Papa came over this evening to supervise the construction while DH built it and CJ handed over screws etc. He was high as kite once it was built, and we struggled to get him in for bed!
29 September 2010
Second attempt at potty training - not too hopeful!
2nd October 2010
DH and I’s 11th Wedding Anniversary today. Back down to the caravan for an overnight. Went for a lovely lunch to a really nice place called Lido in Troon, then popped into a Craft Fare in the town hall where I bought gorgeous wee handmade stained glass angels. I will keep two for our Christmas tree in memory of the twins…
3rd October 2010
DH’s dads relatives are visiting from India, so we had them over for a bite of lunch - easiest lunch we’ve had - DH’s aunt made a curry and brought it over - delish!!
4 October 2010
Dear Robert G. Edwards, Nobel Prize winner, Thank you for developing IVF.
9 October 2010
October in Prestwick - honest!! Can't believe how amazing the weather has been, ok it's cold at night, but glorious during the day! Only three weeks of the season left, so here's hoping it continues!
13 October 2010
From the age of about seven I had a very close friend. When we turned 19 I moved house, but we still saw each other every weekend. Inevitably in our early twenties we drifted apart, there was never a huge row, just two friends moving in different directions. We would occasionally bump into each other in town, exchange news and mobile numbers.
Anyway, I decided to bow to the pressure and joined Facebook, I looked up my childhood friend, but couldn’t find her. I sent her a text, asked how she was and if she was online. She wasn’t, but asked how thing were with us. I sent a “long story short” text telling her about the miscarriages, and was shocked to hear she and her husband are having trouble conceiving. There then followed loads of messages back and forth consoling each other and hoping everything would work out… Frightening how common infertility is…..
12 October 2010
It's very hard to give a small person a row when they have you doubled in two with laughter! Repeatedly telling CJ to tidy up to deaf ears, he finally whispered to me to "sshh, I'm on the phone" while holding a toy mobile to his ear!
15 October 2010
Today is Worldwide Pregnancy & Infancy Loss Day to remember those who were taken too soon….
17 October 2010
Expensive weekend, and hardly over the door! Washing machine has died and brakes on car done - ouch! Mums going to Iceland this week!!
20 October 2010
Had a very emotional appointment at the GRI today. They had the full results of the Post Mortem. Turns out my placenta was on the small side and there was also a sign of some infection, but this could be put down to losing twin 1 and the fact that my waters had broke a week before the miscarriage.
We also learned that with PGD they automatically transfer two embryos - unless you tell them otherwise - as they have been “tampered” with.
We were then told we could start again in April/May, but to let them know.
They took a bunch of blood samples from me and a high vaginal swab - yuck - to check if everything was ok. They’ll get in touch with the results.
On the way home we picked up a tiny pair of socks of CJs’ we had mounted in a frame, that had “Welcome to the World” printed on them. I sat holding the frame in floods of tears in the car, wondering if I had the strength for another cycle, but thinking if we didn’t try again, how I would feel in a couple of years time when it would be too late.
21 October 2010
Winter’s here - just saw a gritter!
23 October 2010
Caravan season is almost over, as it’s getting so cold, so imagine how I felt when I realised I had forgotten to pack DH & I’s jammies! At least CJ had his! DH went to the small pub onsite and came back with the news that the Halloween Party was a week earlier than he thought! I had outfits at home for us, but nothing here - so it was a quick trip to Asda to buy CJ a skeleton costume and DH and I a pair of pumpkins on springs to wear on our heads!
Felt totally left out as everyone goes to a lot of trouble wearing hired costumes and looking great. There were the Ghostbusters, the Simpsons, witches, monks, flamenco dancers - and that was just the adults!
25 October 2010
Another Pizza Hut night with my fertility girlfriends. Caught up on everyone’s chat, and felt more like my old self than I have in a long time. Don’t get me wrong I still get waves of sadness, but I’m trying to look forward to CJ’s birthday and Christmas. I think this year will be great, as CJ will be really into the whole Santa experience!
29 October 2010
OK, so CJ is a huge Buzz fan and we got him a fantastic Disneyland Paris Buzz costume with flashing lights and catch phrases at the car boot in Ayr. He also has his skeleton costume he wore last week at the caravan site party. So, what did he want to wear to the nursery party? Last years Igglepiggle of course!!! We then went to my friend Suzy’s house for a wee afternoon party/play date. The kids had great fun while I tried unsuccessfully to get Take That tickets…..
30 October 2010
Halloween Party number three. We went to the Esporta family Halloween Party tonight. Was impressed with DH as he definitely wasn’t getting dressed up, but after a couple of glasses of wine he came round!
I November 2010
Poor Lily Allen, had a miscarriage at 6 months - how on earth do you recover from that?
Took Christopher to the park with Gem, everywhere looked amazing with all the autumn colours, so attempted to get the two of them in a picture together - easy - sort of!
3 November 2010
Jordan/Katie Price is messing with my head. Couldn’t care much for her either way before she had Harvey, but admired her after, the way she made sure she could provide what was best for him. Really liked her after I’m A Celeb, and thought she and Pete made a cute couple, although did question her feelings for him after reading interviews with “I love Pete, Pete loves me, I love Pete, Pete loves me……..” thinking, who are you trying to convince?!
Anyway after the split with Pete and the rebound marriage to Alex I went totally off her, but am now torn as it turns out she has had two failed IVF ICSI cycles. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone - she’s messing with my head!
5 November 2010
Tonight we went up to the front of Chatelherault Hunting Lodge, which is a great viewpoint to see practically the whole of Lanarkshire’s firework displays - you can see for miles. Rather than have sparklers though, I bought CJ glow sticks which he thought were great fun and wore round his neck, head, wrist…..
11 November 2010
CJ is three today - oh wow, three years ago today I was having contractions!! It’s amazing looking at these tiny baby photos and watching this wee boy chatting non-stop about Toy Story, Shrek and his friends at nursery!
I had to buy three cakes, one for nursery, one for the family coming to the house tonight and one for Esporta tomorrow! The nursery took some cute pictures and I was chuffed to see his favourite teacher in one of them!
We then had his cousins, nana’s and aunties over after nursery. He loves playing with the bigger boys, and is so smart, he was sitting at the dining room table, turned round and said, mummy I can see two nana’s! Genius, lol!
12 November 2010
Met up with friends at Esporta today for a play date/birthday date! Took the easy option of meeting at the Family area in Esporta which has a small play area. Invited my sister and niece, my two best girlfriends and their kids, and two of CJ’s friends from nursery and their mums, who I am now friendly with.
It was great, the kids could run about crazy, we could catch up - sort of, when we weren’t refereeing - on the chat, and then came birthday cake number three!
13 November 2010
Bought DH an air hockey table for his Christmas a few years ago which sits in his office mostly covered in paperwork! Got him to tidy the place up, as I knew CJ would love it - he was amazing! Told him to put his left hand in his pocket as he kept placing it on the table, which he did no problem and was great - took some video of him I was so chuffed!
16 November 2010
GRI called today with my blood and swab results, everything ok, we’re good to go - but do we want to?
19 November 2010
CJ’s best mate at nursery’s birthday party this evening. He had so much fun. It was a perfect venue, a small soft play area in a community centre - so no other kids there, just the party guests. There was a small room off the play area where the table was set up for food. CJ had so much fun. There was a small helter skelter style chute which he repeatedly slide down - easy pleased!
24 November 2010
Went a bit crazy on the Debenhams website buying stuff in their sale for CJ from the Junior J and Little John Rocha ranges - love their stuff and it fits CJ so well! He’s like a little model! Sadly a pair of black patent knee high boots I had my on weren’t available in my size!
26 November 2010
Another Birthday Cake at Esporta, for Rebecca this time!
27 November 2010
The UK is starting to see some snow, fortunately we’ve only had a light dusting - fingers crossed it stays that way!
28 November 2010
Think it's fair to say our light dusting has turned into an avalanche! Ok slight exaggeration, but it’s seriously deep! Took CJ and the dog into the park where everything looked like the front of a Christmas Card. We then came home and built a fab snowman.
29 November 2010
Not a moment too soon, my snow boots from Sports Direct have arrived! Not the most attractive footwear I have ever bought, but oh my, they are toasty!
4 December 2010
Went to see Santa at Chatelherault today. Can honestly say he was the nicest Santa I have ever seen. He made a huge fuss of CJ and my niece, he was a lovely old man, in a gorgeous suit, with his magic key round his neck and a big book of girls and boys names.
We then came home and put up the Christmas Tree. CJ was so funny, he copied everything his daddy did, including crawling under the tree to make sure it was tight into the corner!
Small moment of sadness when I hung our two wee angels at the top….
6 December 2010
Cant believe how crazy this weather is! Woke up this morning, to a bright cold day, by lunch we were completely snowed in. Traffic outside was at a standstill and DH had been sitting in the same spot on the M8 for hours. He eventually got moving, but had to abandon his car and walk home. It took him almost three hours walking down the middle of the road - no cars could move - in slip on leather shoes!
By the time he got home his feet were bleeding, his shoes were wrecked, but he was home in one piece!
8 December 2010
DH tried to recover his car yesterday, but couldn’t get it out of the side road he had parked it on, it’ll be days before he can get it back!
Only one thing to do in this weather - get the coal fire on.
11 December 2010
Great day out today. My sister had booked us both in to get our makeup done during the summer at the MAC counter in House of Fraser as a pick me up after I lost the babies. For various reasons we kept having to postpone, but we booked for today as we had a night out in Princes Square with the aunties!
Sis and I looked great - we paid extra to have false eyelashes applied! We then went back to the Central Bar in Central Station to wait on our mum and aunties arriving, but we missed them so met them at the restaurant after a few vodkas!
12 December 2010
Panto today! Mum, dad, sis, neice, sisters mother-in-law, DH, CJ and I all went to see Peter Pan today - it was excellent - much better than I expected! Best thing was, all the songs they were singing were all favourites of CJ and my neices - they loved it! We’ll definitely be back next year for Beauty and the Beast!
16 December 2010
CJ’s nursery party today, he was looking all smart in his Junior Js, but he was obviously feeling under dressed compared to the girls - he came running over to me as I was signing him in, saying, mummy where’s my costume?
22 December 2010
Three more sleeps….
posted by Tony's missus at 4:15 pm
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