Months of diary entries coming up – it’s been tough....

10th July 2010

My dining room resembled something of a jumble sale today! Ended up putting all the clothes on Gumtree so had two ladies come to buy it all today – all I have left are three pairs of shoes ( the nicest ones in my opinion – no accounting for taste!). It was actually a relief to get rid of it, just the prams now.


15th July 2010

Quite possibly our toughest day yet. Called Dr Willocks secretary as we hadn’t had any news on baby’s Post Mortem. I didn’t want it to get any closer to the due date, without hearing why we had lost him, I was sure it was a boy. While I was at the gym, I missed a call from an unknown number, I knew it must have been the hospital. I asked DH to call them, that was not a conversation I wanted to have in the Esporta changing room. When I got home, I asked if he had got through, he had. We had lost a boy, I knew it. I choked up immediately. Apparently they couldn’t find anything wrong with him. Devastated doesn’t come close to how we were feeling. We could go to see Dr Willocks to discuss everything in more detail, but it felt pointless, it wasn’t going to make any difference.

Before we went to collect CJ from nursery we got a call from a woman wanting to view the Silver Cross, her timing was impeccable! We’ve had tonnes of watchers but no buyers on Ebay, I was beginning to wonder if it was ever going to sell! Needless to say, she bought it – for a song! I was in no mood to haggle, so she got a bargain, part of me wanted it gone, it was a constant reminder at the bottom of my stairs, but part of me still saw CJ as a tiny baby napping inside.

That evening was awful, DH had to go to work, and once CJ was in bed, I sat and sobbed my heart out, we had lost a healthy wee boy, how on earth does that happen. I tormented myself again with the whole single embryo argument, but what embryo would have been transferred the second healthy one, or the first we lost?


17th July 2010



Back to caravan for the weekend. Mum and dad were at Ayr, so we popped through to see them. It was a lovely weekend, but I’m shattered. Since the PM result, I can’t sleep, my mind is racing every night with thoughts of what stage in my pregnancy I should be at, what our wee boy would have looked like, if he would have been anything like CJ, or if they would have been chalk and cheese like my sister and I – just can’t sleep.


CJ did the sweetest thing on Sunday before we left. He had built some sandcastles and when we were walking away, he turned round at blew them all kisses, saying bye, bye sandcastles!

21st July 2010

Went to the gym today and was doing my usual circuit when my fitness instructor mate Suzy came in and told me she was about to practice Zumba in the studio. Offered myself as a crash test dummy, and loved it! Totally shattered though!


22nd July 2010

My sister texted me a picture of my nieces room. She has a new carpet – it has to be the most bubble gum pink you have ever seen. It suits her perfectly as she is the most girly girl you could meet!


23rd July 2010



Decided to spend a long weekend at the caravan, as I’m still not sleeping well. My brain can’t switch off at night at all, and I sometimes lie there crying to myself while everyone else sleeps. Actually had a great time again, the weather was perfect, and again, we had the beach to ourselves – DH even had a swim!! Took some great pictures, and got a lovely one of CJ walking the dog on lead – too cute!


3rd August 2010

Bit the bullet and went to the doctors. I’m shattered and can burst into tears at the drop of a hat. Even going to the gym isn’t making any difference, but then again, I can only manage two afternoons a week when CJ is in nursery, which is better than nothing I suppose. Anyway the second I sat down and the Dr asked, “how are you?” that was me off again. I told her I had been like this since the PM result came through, but she said it was to be expected anyway. It was up to me, I could get an anti-depressant, or see how I got on with the sleeping tablets alone. I took the sleeping tablets and promised to come back after the due date to see how I was doing. She was really nice and we discussed the option of trying again, which was still a no-go area for me, but she said not to decide too quickly, as I didn’t know how I was going to feel, say, this time next year.

That night I met my fertility girlfriends at Pizza Hut. It was great catching up with them again. It was nice to sit and chat about normal stuff, and hear all the stories involving their kids, in-laws, workmates...... They were also incredibly sympathetic when I had a small meltdown as the conversation turned to me.


6th August 2010


Got chapped up this morning by the park ranger. Poker straight face he said to DH, “you’ll notice you have some visitors” and nodded his head toward eight sheep in our garden behind him! They had managed to escape from the country park behind our house and were contentedly munching our grass. The ranger asked DH to move his car to the bottom of the drive so they couldn’t escape onto the main road while he went to get the farmer. So glad we hadn’t let the dog out for her morning pee or who knows what would have happened! Anyway, DH had to go to work, so we had to slowly move his car out, while moving my car down to the drive as the farmer still hadn’t appeared an hour later. When he eventually showed up with his dog, between us we had to try to get the sheep out without scaring them onto the road. Needless to say, they ran onto the road, which thankfully was quiet by now, but the cars were going nice and slow, or at the speed limit anyway, so they all trotted safely back into the park!


7th August 2010

Back to the caravan for another lovely weekend – can’t believe how lucky we have been with the weather! Not one bad weekend yet! So funny, CJ’s friends – two seven year old girls popped by to see him and sat in his room watching DVD’s. Two years old and has two girls in his room watching DVDs!!!

Honestly think getting the caravan is one of the best things we have ever done, it couldn’t have come at a better time. I’m still having the odd wobble, the closer to the due date we get the harder I’m finding it. For some strange reason, craming ourselves into a space half the size of our living room is unbelievably relaxing. The location is fab. You can sit on deserted Prestwick Beach and let your mind wander. While you might be unbelievably down, you can watch CJ build castles and collect shells and stones while the dog waits patiently on someone throwing a stick into the sea, and feel blessed for the family we have.

20th August 2010

Went to my friend Rebecca’s today for a playdate. When I arrived she asked how I was, and I was honest and told her not great. We were talking about how there was only three weeks until my due date, and she got really upset and started crying herself, so, that of course set me off too!

I can’t believe how low I am. My sister and friends have told me to get back to the doctors, but I’ll leave it until after our week off. DH has booked time off, so we’ll go down to the caravan from the 4th of September. I’ll see how I am after that. My sleeping tablets have almost finished, but I don’t want to go back for more unless I really need them, I can always buy Nytol or something if I need it.


25th August 2010


CJ had a charity fancy dress at nursery today. My sister brought him a Barcelona strip last year back from her holidays, which was too big at the time, so I spiked up his hair and dressed him as a footballer – he was incredibly cute!

Had a horrible moment when I pulled up outside the nursery and saw one of the kids leaving with his mum with no costume on and thought I had my dates wrong again ala parents night! But when we went inside there were lots of princesses, Woodys, policemen and Igglepiggle! Whew!!


31st August 2010

Had an article printed in Bella Magazine today – very disappointed! I was contacted months ago, not long after the miscarriage. The journalist was a freelance and had found articles I had done for the Daily Record and Sunday Mail online. I explained about the miscarriage and she asked if I was okay talking about it, I told her yes and gave an interview. I also emailed her my blog/diary, and after reading it she called with a few more questions and put together a piece for Bella. I hadn’t heard anything for quite a while when she called and told me Bella would be contacting me with a contract, so after I had completed it, it was a case of waiting for an insertion date.

Bella eventually got in touch last week and told me it would be in on the 31st and I was grateful it was in before the 8th September, as I don’t think I could have coped with that!

Anyway, I was so disappointed when I read the article – there was no mention of the twins! The article was all about our journey up until CJ was born, which was okay, but there were some major “editing” issues, and was finished off with “attempt to have a sibling has been unsuccessful” which isn’t actually true! The cycle was successful, it’s just that it unfortunately didn’t end in what is classed as a “live birth”.

I met my girlfriends at Pizza Hut that night, and was pleased I kept it together this time. I’m actually feeling a bit better to be honest and looking forward to getting away next week.


3rd September 2010

Had my sister, Suzy, Rebecca and their kids over for a playdate today. The weather was glorious and we sat in the back garden in the sun while the kiddies trashed the place! They were upstairs in CJ’s room, downstairs in the playroom, in the living room, the back garden – they had a ball! Took me ages to clear up afterwards, but seeing CJ have such good fun was worth it, and sitting chatting (when I got the chance) to my sister and mates was great.


5th September 2010

Took off to the caravan today for our week off – it’s strange considering the circumstances, but I’m really looking forward to it, and feeling nothing like as low as I thought I would be!


7th September 2010


Nipped up to Glasgow to the Jubilee to see dad today, as he had his other hip done yesterday. CJ was a little shy, I think he was unsure of his surroundings. When we got back we took the dog a good walk, and DH and CJ had great fun running through the sprinkler system of Prestwick Golf Course! The weather was a little showery, but we had a lovely day yesterday on the beach – so can’t complain!


8th September 2010



Our babies were due today. I woke thinking I would feel very heavy hearted, but after an initial sadness, I was okay. The weather was glorious and we had a fabulous morning on the beach. We all – dog included – went to an Irish pub in Prestwick for lunch and sat in the beer garden enjoying the sunshine. When we came back to the caravan we got prepared for winter by taking down the awning and tidied everything away in a small garden storage box we bought. When we sat down that night after CJ had gone to bed, DH asked if I was okay, and I was amazed that I was. I had been so scared of today, but in a way, I was glad it was over, and I was hoping we could move on. It was only when DH called the second twin, Michael, by his name that I shed a tear.


9th September 2010

Went into Ayr today for some shopping. I was badly needing jeans, so of course we spent over £70 on CJ in Debenhams in Junior J and Little John Rocha! We went for a fantastic lunch in Tam O’Shanters where I think I insulted the waitress by asking for brown sauce for my haggis – oops! I didn’t actually need it, it was amazing!


11th September 2010

Came home, had a lovely week, tinged with a little sadness, but probably the best holiday we’ve had in the caravan yet.


13th September 2010


CJ loves music, singing and dancing. He loves the Glee album in the car and always asks for Sweet Caroline and sings along. I was playing it in the dining room, and CJ ran into his playroom grabbed his guitar. He started “playing” along to Don’t Stop Believing. I taped it on my phone, and kept playing it back – he was hysterical!


16th September 2010

What a night! DH was away to Oban overnight with his work, so when I heard CJ coughing and crying on the monitor, I turned off the TV and decided to just go straight upstairs – just as well! I went in to settle CJ, and he proceeded to throw up everywhere! I had to take him into the bathroom, strip him off and wipe him down before he could get clean jammies on. He howled the whole time poor wee thing, and everything I was asking him was being replied with, “no, no, no”. So when I asked if he wanted in to sleep beside mummy tonight, it was “no, I mean, yes” poor we guy.

Got him settled in my bed, and had to strip his bed down to the mattress. Everything had to go in the machine, so I had to wait up until it was finished to get the two loads done! So tired!


17th September 2010

Rebecca called today. She asked how I was, and I chatted a little, she paused before she spoke again, and I knew what was coming. She was pregnant, and had been scared to tell me. She felt awful that she was telling me so close to the twins due date, but she felt there was no good time to tell me. I felt terrible, not because she was pregnant, but because I was making her feel so bad. I was delighted for her, this will be her third child, and I know she wants a big family. I just felt so bad that I had put her in such an awkward position. She was crying and I was trying to tell her I was fine, and so pleased for her. She’s 13 weeks, and the baby is due in March. I’m so pleased for her, but it’s so sad our wee twins have this ripple effect through our friends and family.....


25 September 2010



Absolutely gorgeous weekend at the caravan - can’t believe we’re having a September Weekend break, in the UK, and it’s scorchio! Happy days!!

Been down to the beach, CJ was actually in paddling, while the dog was swimming in the sea - it was so clear, you would think we were on the Med!

We then had a pub lunch in this great Irish pub in Prestwick. Fantastic big beer garden at the back, so took the dog with us, so she could dry off in the sun…..great weekend!


26 September 2010


Bought CJ a “treehouse” for an early birthday present, it actually looks like a giant hen house, lol! Papa came over this evening to supervise the construction while DH built it and CJ handed over screws etc. He was high as kite once it was built, and we struggled to get him in for bed!


29 September 2010

Second attempt at potty training - not too hopeful!


2nd October 2010


DH and I’s 11th Wedding Anniversary today. Back down to the caravan for an overnight. Went for a lovely lunch to a really nice place called Lido in Troon, then popped into a Craft Fare in the town hall where I bought gorgeous wee handmade stained glass angels. I will keep two for our Christmas tree in memory of the twins…


3rd October 2010

DH’s dads relatives are visiting from India, so we had them over for a bite of lunch - easiest lunch we’ve had - DH’s aunt made a curry and brought it over - delish!!



4 October 2010

Dear Robert G. Edwards, Nobel Prize winner, Thank you for developing IVF.


9 October 2010


October in Prestwick - honest!! Can't believe how amazing the weather has been, ok it's cold at night, but glorious during the day! Only three weeks of the season left, so here's hoping it continues!



13 October 2010

From the age of about seven I had a very close friend. When we turned 19 I moved house, but we still saw each other every weekend. Inevitably in our early twenties we drifted apart, there was never a huge row, just two friends moving in different directions. We would occasionally bump into each other in town, exchange news and mobile numbers.

Anyway, I decided to bow to the pressure and joined Facebook, I looked up my childhood friend, but couldn’t find her. I sent her a text, asked how she was and if she was online. She wasn’t, but asked how thing were with us. I sent a “long story short” text telling her about the miscarriages, and was shocked to hear she and her husband are having trouble conceiving. There then followed loads of messages back and forth consoling each other and hoping everything would work out… Frightening how common infertility is…..


12 October 2010

It's very hard to give a small person a row when they have you doubled in two with laughter! Repeatedly telling CJ to tidy up to deaf ears, he finally whispered to me to "sshh, I'm on the phone" while holding a toy mobile to his ear!


15 October 2010

Today is Worldwide Pregnancy & Infancy Loss Day to remember those who were taken too soon….


17 October 2010

Expensive weekend, and hardly over the door! Washing machine has died and brakes on car done - ouch! Mums going to Iceland this week!!


20 October 2010

Had a very emotional appointment at the GRI today. They had the full results of the Post Mortem. Turns out my placenta was on the small side and there was also a sign of some infection, but this could be put down to losing twin 1 and the fact that my waters had broke a week before the miscarriage.

We also learned that with PGD they automatically transfer two embryos - unless you tell them otherwise - as they have been “tampered” with.

We were then told we could start again in April/May, but to let them know.

They took a bunch of blood samples from me and a high vaginal swab - yuck - to check if everything was ok. They’ll get in touch with the results.

On the way home we picked up a tiny pair of socks of CJs’ we had mounted in a frame, that had “Welcome to the World” printed on them. I sat holding the frame in floods of tears in the car, wondering if I had the strength for another cycle, but thinking if we didn’t try again, how I would feel in a couple of years time when it would be too late.


21 October 2010

Winter’s here - just saw a gritter!


23 October 2010


Caravan season is almost over, as it’s getting so cold, so imagine how I felt when I realised I had forgotten to pack DH & I’s jammies! At least CJ had his! DH went to the small pub onsite and came back with the news that the Halloween Party was a week earlier than he thought! I had outfits at home for us, but nothing here - so it was a quick trip to Asda to buy CJ a skeleton costume and DH and I a pair of pumpkins on springs to wear on our heads!

Felt totally left out as everyone goes to a lot of trouble wearing hired costumes and looking great. There were the Ghostbusters, the Simpsons, witches, monks, flamenco dancers - and that was just the adults!


25 October 2010

Another Pizza Hut night with my fertility girlfriends. Caught up on everyone’s chat, and felt more like my old self than I have in a long time. Don’t get me wrong I still get waves of sadness, but I’m trying to look forward to CJ’s birthday and Christmas. I think this year will be great, as CJ will be really into the whole Santa experience!


29 October 2010

OK, so CJ is a huge Buzz fan and we got him a fantastic Disneyland Paris Buzz costume with flashing lights and catch phrases at the car boot in Ayr. He also has his skeleton costume he wore last week at the caravan site party. So, what did he want to wear to the nursery party? Last years Igglepiggle of course!!! We then went to my friend Suzy’s house for a wee afternoon party/play date. The kids had great fun while I tried unsuccessfully to get Take That tickets…..


30 October 2010


Halloween Party number three. We went to the Esporta family Halloween Party tonight. Was impressed with DH as he definitely wasn’t getting dressed up, but after a couple of glasses of wine he came round!


I November 2010

Poor Lily Allen, had a miscarriage at 6 months - how on earth do you recover from that?


Took Christopher to the park with Gem, everywhere looked amazing with all the autumn colours, so attempted to get the two of them in a picture together - easy - sort of!


3 November 2010

Jordan/Katie Price is messing with my head. Couldn’t care much for her either way before she had Harvey, but admired her after, the way she made sure she could provide what was best for him. Really liked her after I’m A Celeb, and thought she and Pete made a cute couple, although did question her feelings for him after reading interviews with “I love Pete, Pete loves me, I love Pete, Pete loves me……..” thinking, who are you trying to convince?!

Anyway after the split with Pete and the rebound marriage to Alex I went totally off her, but am now torn as it turns out she has had two failed IVF ICSI cycles. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone - she’s messing with my head!


5 November 2010


Tonight we went up to the front of Chatelherault Hunting Lodge, which is a great viewpoint to see practically the whole of Lanarkshire’s firework displays - you can see for miles. Rather than have sparklers though, I bought CJ glow sticks which he thought were great fun and wore round his neck, head, wrist…..


11 November 2010


CJ is three today - oh wow, three years ago today I was having contractions!! It’s amazing looking at these tiny baby photos and watching this wee boy chatting non-stop about Toy Story, Shrek and his friends at nursery!

I had to buy three cakes, one for nursery, one for the family coming to the house tonight and one for Esporta tomorrow! The nursery took some cute pictures and I was chuffed to see his favourite teacher in one of them!

We then had his cousins, nana’s and aunties over after nursery. He loves playing with the bigger boys, and is so smart, he was sitting at the dining room table, turned round and said, mummy I can see two nana’s! Genius, lol!



12 November 2010

Met up with friends at Esporta today for a play date/birthday date! Took the easy option of meeting at the Family area in Esporta which has a small play area. Invited my sister and niece, my two best girlfriends and their kids, and two of CJ’s friends from nursery and their mums, who I am now friendly with.

It was great, the kids could run about crazy, we could catch up - sort of, when we weren’t refereeing - on the chat, and then came birthday cake number three!


13 November 2010

Bought DH an air hockey table for his Christmas a few years ago which sits in his office mostly covered in paperwork! Got him to tidy the place up, as I knew CJ would love it - he was amazing! Told him to put his left hand in his pocket as he kept placing it on the table, which he did no problem and was great - took some video of him I was so chuffed!


16 November 2010

GRI called today with my blood and swab results, everything ok, we’re good to go - but do we want to?


19 November 2010

CJ’s best mate at nursery’s birthday party this evening. He had so much fun. It was a perfect venue, a small soft play area in a community centre - so no other kids there, just the party guests. There was a small room off the play area where the table was set up for food. CJ had so much fun. There was a small helter skelter style chute which he repeatedly slide down - easy pleased!


24 November 2010

Went a bit crazy on the Debenhams website buying stuff in their sale for CJ from the Junior J and Little John Rocha ranges - love their stuff and it fits CJ so well! He’s like a little model! Sadly a pair of black patent knee high boots I had my on weren’t available in my size!



26 November 2010

Another Birthday Cake at Esporta, for Rebecca this time!



27 November 2010

The UK is starting to see some snow, fortunately we’ve only had a light dusting - fingers crossed it stays that way!


28 November 2010



Think it's fair to say our light dusting has turned into an avalanche! Ok slight exaggeration, but it’s seriously deep! Took CJ and the dog into the park where everything looked like the front of a Christmas Card. We then came home and built a fab snowman.



29 November 2010

Not a moment too soon, my snow boots from Sports Direct have arrived! Not the most attractive footwear I have ever bought, but oh my, they are toasty!


4 December 2010



Went to see Santa at Chatelherault today. Can honestly say he was the nicest Santa I have ever seen. He made a huge fuss of CJ and my niece, he was a lovely old man, in a gorgeous suit, with his magic key round his neck and a big book of girls and boys names.

We then came home and put up the Christmas Tree. CJ was so funny, he copied everything his daddy did, including crawling under the tree to make sure it was tight into the corner!

Small moment of sadness when I hung our two wee angels at the top….


6 December 2010

Cant believe how crazy this weather is! Woke up this morning, to a bright cold day, by lunch we were completely snowed in. Traffic outside was at a standstill and DH had been sitting in the same spot on the M8 for hours. He eventually got moving, but had to abandon his car and walk home. It took him almost three hours walking down the middle of the road - no cars could move - in slip on leather shoes!

By the time he got home his feet were bleeding, his shoes were wrecked, but he was home in one piece!


8 December 2010


DH tried to recover his car yesterday, but couldn’t get it out of the side road he had parked it on, it’ll be days before he can get it back!

Only one thing to do in this weather - get the coal fire on.


11 December 2010

Great day out today. My sister had booked us both in to get our makeup done during the summer at the MAC counter in House of Fraser as a pick me up after I lost the babies. For various reasons we kept having to postpone, but we booked for today as we had a night out in Princes Square with the aunties!

Sis and I looked great - we paid extra to have false eyelashes applied! We then went back to the Central Bar in Central Station to wait on our mum and aunties arriving, but we missed them so met them at the restaurant after a few vodkas!


12 December 2010

Panto today! Mum, dad, sis, neice, sisters mother-in-law, DH, CJ and I all went to see Peter Pan today - it was excellent - much better than I expected! Best thing was, all the songs they were singing were all favourites of CJ and my neices - they loved it! We’ll definitely be back next year for Beauty and the Beast!


16 December 2010

CJ’s nursery party today, he was looking all smart in his Junior Js, but he was obviously feeling under dressed compared to the girls - he came running over to me as I was signing him in, saying, mummy where’s my costume?


22 December 2010


Three more sleeps….

Not been blogging for a while (6 weeks!), couldn’t face it to be honest, so here’s an update...

20th May 2010

SO embarrassed, CJ had his teddy bears picnic today at nursery, so dug out one of his newborn cardies to put on his bear. This of course had me reminiscing over the size of him when he was born. Think it set me off for the day, because I then managed to turn up one week early for his parent’s night! Fortunately the owner, Kate, is lovely and asked if I wanted to stay and see her then, she just wouldn’t have his photos printed off. Apparently CJ is doing really well, his numbers, colours and speech are great and they are very pleased with his progress. Kate then asked if he was going to be our only one, and as I had told her CJ was IVF and we would be having another cycle for a sibling when I filled in CJs application form, I told her what had happened. As I was relaying everything, I could feel my voice go, and saw the tears start to fill Kate’s eyes. It had been a while since I had spoken about it to anyone, and I was amazed I managed.


22nd May 2010

Stayed at home this weekend – it’s a scorcher! Think it would have actually been too hot at the caravan, what I wouldn’t give for a bit of a breeze. Managed to attack the garden though, so at least it’s looking a bit tidy again.

My chat with Kate set something off, I kept filling up last night, the tears just kept coming as I imagined what a lovely bump I should have by now....


14th June 2010

Been burying myself in evening telly this last month, so I am now in a panic! What am I going to do without Lost, CSI, Glee, Modern Family? The Mentalist and Greys Anatomy are almost finished too – in fact what would I do without American TV?!?


18th June 2010

I used to sell jewellery online, and will do again one day, but in the meantime, I always manage to treat myself to something when new catalogues come through! So, I had been looking for something as a wee reminder of the twins, I found a gorgeous silver charm with two small butterflies for my “Links of London” style stretch bracelet. It arrived today, and it is perfect.
It’s not like I need reminding, but I just felt I needed something. I could never have gone through with a private funeral as was offered, but at the same time you miss not having something like a grave to visit. There’s a remembrance garden at the hospital, but again, I don’t think that’s for me either. My feelings have been all over the place, I grieved for the first twin, full of guilt and relief, then when I knew I was losing the second one, the tears wouldn’t stop. After the delivery, I was too calm, almost cold, and then it hit me two weeks later, and the hurt was incredible. But if I was talking about it, I only referred to the wee one I delivered. Now, three months later, I’m grieving for both.

I’ve finally bagged up CJs clothes that I had hoped to need again, but have kept a few pieces that I just couldn’t bear to part with.


20th June 2010

Father’s Day! Had a lovely weekend at the caravan – weather was scorchio – and a wee bit breezy – but I’ve yet to see Prestwick without a breeze! We were settling down for the evening, CJ was in his jammies, when a Fire Engine drove past! Now, CJ is a massive fan of Toy Story, Handy Manny and of course Fireman Sam. So off DH went to investigate. Turned out someone had tossed a cigarette end into the foliage between the caravan site and the Royal Troon Golf Course, causing a small fire as it has been so dry and sunny up here.
DH got the all clear to bring CJ round to see the fire engine and gave me strict instruction to follow with the camera – don’t know who looks more excited in the picture!


22nd June 2010

My friend Paulina with her ICSI twins, CJ and I all went through to my friend Mary’s in Dunbar today. She and her hubby had been running a cafe in a family park but (lucky me) they are moving back through in a few weeks time. Anyway, I hadn’t wanted to mention this before now, as Mary has been pretty scared but.... she’s 15 weeks pregnant with a beautiful wee FET bean! She told me not to tell anyone when she got her positive, so that included you! She got her positive just after our miscarriage and my mum and DH (had to tell them!) were worried how I would handle it – but she was probably the only person who could tell me she was pregnant without me feeling any pangs of jealousy.


Anyway, the kids all had a fantastic time, feeding the animals, going on the wee train and bouncing on trampolines and bouncy castles, needless to say, silence in the car on the way home with all three asleep in the back!


24th June 2010


CJ was so cute today, I was babysitting my niece while my sister was away doing hair (mobile hairdresser). My niece was a wee bit upset when sis left, so I told her not worry, mummy would be back in two minutes, so CJ put his arm around and said “S’ok, your mummy only be two minutes” Too cute!


27th June 2010

Ok, not having much luck selling CJ’s clothes. They would be an absolute bargain for someone, as there are great labels in there, and some of it is hardly worn. Anyway, if I can be bothered to do a car boot, that may be my only option, but I imagine I will end up dropping it all off at a charity shop! Hardest thing to part with I think will be our beautiful Silver Cross. It was my SIL’s for her three boys, so I think whatever we get for it; we’ll split between all four boys for their piggy banks.


How I am going to feel watching someone else walk out of my house with it is something else altogether....


1 July 2010

Ok folks, here goes – I’m too fat! There, I said it. DH disagrees of course, but at 5’7” size 16/18, I’m too fat! My boobs have never gone after having CJ, and my weight just hasn’t gone down enough. I had managed to lose some before my myomectomy and again before our treatment cycle, but it’s all came back again. So, I bit the bullet and joined Esporta – again! I joined years ago when they first opened in Hamilton, but left a number of years later when I wasn’t finding the time to go. So here I am, back again, this time on an off-peak membership, as I can’t go in the evenings with DH working. I’m determined to slim down, as there is no way I can be this size at my due date with no baby. It’s really getting me down, as I don’t even feel I look like myself when I look at my reflection in the mirror. A comfortable size 14 will do, I’m not looking for miracles. I came across a picture of myself from 17 years ago in bikini, size 10/12, not a chance I’ll ever be that shape or size again, but to have room in my 14s will do.


3 July 2010

Sitting in the caravan writing this with DH sucked in by another world cup match! It’s actually been quite therapeutic having a quite sob to myself. DH has taken CJ round to the wee bar to play on the racing car game – you don’t even need to put money it, CJ just thinks it’s fab to watch all the cars on the screen as he spins the steering wheel – while he watches the football. I’ve been getting regular updates from DH about CJ chatting up seven year old girls, offering them a bit of his Fab lolly with a “want some?” and having a slide down the chute!

Discussed coming down here for the week of our due date with DH over lunch. Just don’t think I could carry on as normal at home. We’ll see nearer the time.

19th May 2010

So, sold quite a bit of my maternity stuff on ebay, there are a few bits left, which I re-listed, but still didn’t sell, so I’ll stick them back up in the loft for now.

Dad was in for a hip replacement, but we were all loaded with the cold, and as we didn’t want to risk passing on infection in hospital, we weren’t able to visit. Spoke on the phone a few times though, with CJ saying how the doctor was going to fix papa’s sore leg. We visited once he was home, he’s looking a little peaky, but ok. CJ was so cute, DH asked him if he kissed papa’s sore leg better, he looked at DH like he was daft and said “no, doctor fixed it!”


Had another lovely weekend at the caravan. The weather was fab, and we had a picnic on the beach. Stuck a windbreaker up – you have no idea what a difference it made! Clear blue skies, the blue sea, waves crashing on the beach – we could have been anywhere! Hardly saw a soul, just the odd dog walker. DH and CJ were hiding in the long grass at the sand dunes, while the dog patiently waited on someone throwing her stick in the sea.


Still having the odd wobble, just keep thinking what a lovely bump I would have now. I know until the due date I’ll keep thinking of what stage of the pregnancy I should be at, and I also know how tough the due date is going to be. Looking at booking a holiday, or even just making sure we are away at the caravan then.

4th May 2010

Well, finally done it – put all my maternity stuff on Ebay. In a way it helped me, as long as they are still under our roof, they’ll be a constant “what if?”

Went upstairs and took photos of everything and came across a t-shirt I loved when I was pregnant. Got it at Next Clearance, it is a pale blue/green with “Baby Face” on the front. Took off my shirt and pulled it on – it felt so nice, so I kept it on. Unfortunately it just looked a wee bit baggy! Also found my lush M&S maternity jammies, a three piece set that cost £50, black with cream lace – no way they’re going on Ebay, only wore them a handful of times!

Anyway DH stuck his head round the bedroom and asked if I was alright, told him I was fine, was glad to be rid of everything, stuck most of it on at 99p start bids just to get it away. It was only once I was back downstairs I realised why he was so concerned; I was still wearing my “Baby Face” t-shirt!

While CJ was in the bath I sat on the loo and took in the waistband of my fancy pj’s!

Had a check on my items and someone has already bid on my bump bands and some Inch Blue shoes I had bought for CJ but never wore on him.

So I am sitting here writing this in jammies I can pull up under my bust, remembering how I felt like a proper yummy mummy in the maternity ward, and how wonderful it was to hold my precious bundle wrapped in his soft blue blanket against my chest. But, I’m ok, I lived the dream that I thought would never come true, and I continue to live it every day with CJ and my DH. It’s ok if we never have another, at one point we thought we would never have any.

27th April 2010

Had really busy weekend getting garden organised. Still loads to do, but at least our pots and baskets are looking nice. Got a wee plastic greenhouse and have grown some veg and herbs from seed. Also bought really nice bamboo solar powered lights from Poundland – they look fab dotted around CJ’s play area.

Spent today trying to get housework done, it’s been really neglected recently. I’m also stuck wondering what to do with my maternity clothes and all CJ’s things that are too small for him. I have bags of the stuff lying in CJ’s and our room. Tempted just to sell everything, and if we’re lucky enough to get pregnant again, we’ll just have to go shopping!

Silver Cross is parked at the front door, with the Bebecar in the vestibule. Know I could get a bit of cash for the travel system, but it’s just biting the bullet and listing it somewhere. Trying to tidy up and everything still looks cluttered.


28th April 2010

Got Mays diary from CJ’s nursery – we’ve got a Parents Night! Can’t believe it, our first Parents Night, wonder what we’ll hear about our wee man!!

13th March 2010

Got our caravan! Bought it second hand from a man in Kilwinning who has offered to tow it to Ayr for us, or to our house if need be! It’s great, it has a small double at the end with a sliding door for CJ and even has an awning! Fab!


16th March 2010

Scanned by Dr Maharaj today. He was quiet for quite some time before turning the screen round to show us. Baby still had heartbeat, but zero amniotic fluid. He said the baby could survive for anything from days to weeks as long as it had a heartbeat, so it was probably best to decide what we wanted to do as soon as possible. Without amniotic fluid the limbs and lungs can’t develop.

On the one hand I wanted to wait, but I knew myself what we had to do. Fortunately DH said “there’s no point putting it off” so we were shown to a small room where we waited for a nurse to bring me a pill to “start things” then we would be back in two days time to deliver the baby. Fortunately the Dr was really sympathetic. He explained everything that would happen and called it an induced miscarriage rather than a termination, which is unfortunately what a lot of the paperwork said. He also explained that we would be asked if we wanted a private burial, a post mortem, if we wanted to see the baby.... All these things I couldn’t get my head round, I ended up sobbing. He told us we didn’t have to decide anything today, but just wanted to prepare us for what the midwifes would ask.

We got a few leaflets away with us and were told to come back at 8am on Thursday. My dad had been watching CJ for us, and was gutted with our news. We made plans for him and my mum to come over just after 7am on Thursday morning, to take care of CJ, and warned him that we had been told to prepare to be away for 24 hours!


17th March 2010

Strange day today, in limbo waiting for tomorrow. George (man with caravan) called wanting to bring caravan up tomorrow, but had to put him off to Friday morning. We’re leaving it at mum and dads, as our drive is too steep, and they have a wee carpark next to their house where we can sit it for a week or so until we find a permanent site and get it cleaned. George told us about one in Prestwick we fancy the sound of, so we’ll give them a call.


18th March 2010

Terrible sleep last night, my mind was racing.

We left the house at 7.30am. CJ was happy at the prospect of a day with nana and papa. We arrived at Wishaw General too early and ended up sitting in the carpark for 10 minutes before entering. We had to check in at Ward 23 and were shown to a private room. The midwife asked if we were all right, and of course the tears started. We had been there just under an hour, when another midwife came in and told us they were moving us to a “more appropriate room” and took us to a delivery room at the far corner of Ward 24, the High Dependency Ward. It was as far away from all the crying babies as you can imagine, and we really appreciated this. Around another hour later and two midwifes came in to see us, both called Margaret. They were both lovely, very sympathetic. Each time I had to explain why we were there and what had happened, I was in floods of tears. But they were both very understanding. We were told how everything would happen. Basically I would have two pessaries inserted to start my contractions. These would be inserted every three hours until I delivered the baby, all sorts of pain medication were available and there was a sofa bed in the corner if DH had to stay overnight! They offered us some tea and toast when they realised we had had no breakfast, and advised DH to go to the shop for a paper at least!

By 10.30 I was in my nightie, we were watching daytime television and I was feeling insanely calm – I wanted it over and done with.

At 11am Margaret came in, apologised for the delay and inserted the pessaries. She told me just to shout if I needed anything, she could be as involved or un-involved as I wanted, it was all up to me, and left.

To be honest, I was “happy” just to sit there with DH watching daft telly and chatting about CJ, wondering what he was up to, imagining him having a great time with nana and papa.

After about an hour I had period type cramps, another hour and they were getting worse, I tried to hold off to 2pm as I knew Margaret would be back then, but by 1.30 I was in real pain, so asked DH to press the call button. Margaret came in and asked how bad it was, and suggested a dose of diamorphine. She was back about 5 minutes later with it, and it was injected in my leg. A few minutes later I could feel it kicking in, and she told me go to the loo before we inserted more pessaries. She put a shell into the pan to check what I was passing.

She left the room after I came out of the loo and said she would be back at 2pm. At about 1.50 I felt like I needed to pee again, so hopped of the bed and went to the loo. Fortunately I left the shell in the toilet, I couldn’t believe it, I squeezed and felt the baby pass. I shouted on DH to press the button for Margaret, he came running to toilet, “are you ok, you didn’t see it did you?” “No, I’m ok”

My biggest fear had been seeing the baby, I didn’t want that image imprinted in my mind. When Margaret had asked if we would want to hold the baby after, I had said no. She said it’s probably not as bad as you are imagining, but again I said no, the baby had had no amniotic fluid for a week, so she agreed and said, no problem, there’s no right and no wrong thing to do, whatever you are most comfortable with.

So, she had to come into the toilet, put a big continence square between my legs and we made our way back to bed. She covered the baby with another square, and the other Margaret came in to help. They cut the ambilical cord, wrapped the wee one up and placed them in a cot. I was asked if I was ok, and if I definitely didn’t want a wee hold, but I was sure, so the wee one was wheeled out the door. Bizarely, I didn’t cry. DH kept stroking my hair, my arm, but there were no tears.

The placenta was another hour later, but as I had had a few different medications by this point, we were told it would be at least 7pm before we could go.

In fact it was 9pm. We had decided we wanted a post mortem done, as we wanted to know the sex, and knew we would probably want some idea as to why the wee one didn’t survive. This kind of paperwork needed the registrar to sign it, but they kept being called to emergencies, so we could wait indefinitely or come back tomorrow.

We left the two Margarets, thanking them both, as they had both been so nice and understanding. We were offered a sealed envelope with the baby’s picture, hand and foot prints, which we took, as we thought we wouldn’t need to look at it, but at least we had the choice if we ever wanted to.

When we got home my mum gave me a huge hug, but again I had no tears, I was starting to worry myself, I was too calm. We gave my mum and dad the envelope to keep, if we wanted it, we knew where it was.


19th March 2010

Back to the hospital, and time to explain to another midwife what had happened. I was a bit choked up this time, but again, I was surprised at myself that I still hadn’t properly cried. An hour later we were free to go with our folders and leaflets and counselling information.

I stuck them all in the bottom drawer.


20th March 2010

Spent all day scrubbing our caravan clean, it was so therapeutic! DH did the outside and I done the inside. Then Dh did mum and dads after ours, so two sparkling caravans.

Only had a small wobble when I went next door to collect some flowers which had been delivered. Our neighbour is a consultant paediatrician, so was gutted when she realised what had happened, she guessed what the flowers were for, and was so disappointed for us. It was only when I was talking to her I felt my voice choke up a little, but still no huge sob yet - not normal is it?


22nd March 2010

My friend Mary dropped in for a coffee, and while we were chatting, the phone rang, DH answered it and told me our GP was on her way, she was popping in to see how I was! I thought it was really considerate of her, but totally unexpected! She was the same doctor who diagnosed our infertility all those years ago, so she knew all the background. She listened while I told her everything, offered to complete our “outcome” form for the GRI, but for some reason I felt we had to do that ourselves, and told me she would make time for me if I ever needed to talk, just call reception and leave a message. Again, I had a little wobble, but she told me not to hold back, I would probably hit a real low and just to go with it, it wasn’t healthy to hold it in. She told me not to make any rash decisions with regards to trying another cycle, and give it time, but I told her I couldn’t imagine us going through all that again, at the same time thinking how much I would love to be pregnant again. She gave me a hug as she left.


27th March 2010

Off to Prestwick today for two nights! Got booked onto the site for the weekend, in the hope we get first refusal at a seasonal pitch if one comes up. Fees have to be paid by the end of the month, fingers crossed someone doesn’t pay theirs!!



29th March 2010

Brilliant weekend, and we got our pitch! We had lovely walks on the beaches, Prestwick and Troon, went for a wonder round the shops in Prestwick, and lay in bed watching dvds at night. Perfect.


31st March 2010

DH and I have been together 17 years today, who could have imagined then the life we have now and all we have been through – love him so much.


5th April 2010

Well it finally happened, I cried. We had a lovely weekend at the caravan, weather was mixed, but we had a great time. My mum and dad had their van at Ayr so we met at the market on the Sunday and went back to their site for a fry up! CJ had a great time with his carboot buys – loads of cars – and we had another lovely relaxing time.

My bleeding finally stopped, which on the one hand was great, as I had been wearing pads since 14th February, but it also meant that was it – it was over.

As we were driving home my eyes kept filling, I couldn’t understand why, nothing had happened to trigger it. DH asked if I wanted to run a bath when we were unloading the car, so I got in and had a nice soak, and felt the tears flow. DH brought me a glass of wine and I told him I was on downer. He said he could tell and it was probably because I had nothing to distract me now. The caravan was organised and sited, and it’s strange but he was right. I had been so involved with getting it cleaned, stocked, pitched, it had kept my mind occupied.

Huge sobs shook me, and nothing could stop them, and I didn’t try to. I missed my baby and wanted to be pregnant again. I should be feeling kicks now, we would have had our amnio and would know the sex. We would be referring to my bump as Michael or Grace. It was so unfair.


8th April 2010

Dr Willocks called the house last night. It was after 8pm and I couldn’t think who would be calling at that time of night. She was calling to say how sorry she was and to let us know if there was anything we needed to give her a call. I told her we would probably see her when the post mortem results came through, as I thought they would go to her, so she said she would contact us as soon as they arrived. I also told her how good the midwifes were and to let them know if she saw them that we were grateful for how well they looked after us. She also said she would contact Professor Nelson at the GRI.

We had been unable to complete the outcome form, our heads were buzzing with all the options, miscarriage, still birth, termination. We didn’t know where to start as we had to complete it for two babies. So we wrote a card to Helen Walton and asked her to complete it for us. Only when Dr Willocks mentioned the GRI it dawned on me to check it had arrived so I called and left a message for Helen. She called me this afternoon, and was so disappointed for us, she said she would have called sooner, but couldn’t without crying! She put us down for an appointment in June to discuss what happened.


13th April 2010

My birthday today, 37 years old! Got a netbook from CJ and DH – loving it! Mum and dad got us deck chairs for the caravan – fingers crossed we get the weather to use them!



20th April 2010

Another lovely weekend at the caravan. DH took Monday off, so we didn’t come home until today! Took some great photos of DH and CJ on the beach and the dog had a great time swimming in the sea – brave!

Still having the odd wobble, they come on at random moments. I was bathing CJ and as he was playing with his family of ducks he put them in a row in order of size. He pointed at each one saying daddy duck, mummy duck, Christopher duck, baby duck. My eyes filled up as I smiled and told him he was a clever, clever boy.

We’re so blessed to have such an amazing wee man.

Have had such a stressful few weeks, I can’t even figure out where to start, here goes……

26 February 2010

Took CJ to meet a friend and her wee girl at the local health club. They have a soft play area, so you can sit and catch up while the kids go nuts – everybody’s happy! CJ was having a great time and didn’t want to come away, but it was getting close to dinner time so I told him I was going to the toilet, and then his jacket was going on when I got back. Couldn’t believe the amount of blood on the toilet paper when I wiped, and was even more shocked when I looked in the loo – you would have thought I had peed blood! (Sorry tmi) I was stunned, there was no blood on my pants, so I must have just caught it time – thank goodness – or we could have had a very embarrassing situation. I tried to wipe away as much as possible and pad my pants out with toilet paper. I walked as quickly as I could back to my friend, explained what had happened, got CJ and left.

Poor wee guy was chucked into the living room, jacket still on, given a packet of fridge raiders and crisps for his dinner, Handy Manny on the TV and abandoned. I ran to the loo and couldn’t believe the amount of blood, I couldn’t stem the flow and broke down in tears. I don’t know how long I was in there, but I eventually ran upstairs to pull on some clean pants a pant liner and some pyjama bottoms. I came back downstairs and called the Early Pregnancy Unit. The girl on the phone was nice and tried to calm me down and booked us in for a scan the next morning.

I came off the phone and went to check on my poor wee abandoned boy who was quite content munching his chicken watching Handy Manny, so I took off his jacket and went to call my mum and dad to see if they could watch him tomorrow. Dad answered and was so upset, and we arranged a time for him and mum to come over.

I didn’t want to call DH as I didn’t want him to upset him while he was driving, so I just sent text asking if he could come home. About ten minutes later he called and said he was five minutes away and asked what was wrong. By this point I still couldn’t talk without breaking down, so of course I ended up in floods of tears saying, “I’m bleeding, I think we’re losing the other one”. There was just so much blood, every time I stood up it would gush out (sorry!) so I sat on the couch with CJ and we waited for DH to come home.

When DH walked into the living room he looked grey poor guy, I didn’t know what to say to him, and we didn’t want to be upset in front of the wee man, so it was big hugs all round with the wee fella joining in - my heart was breaking.

Mum and dad were going out that night to a family do, so I was stunned and touched when my dad popped in just after six. CJ was so excited to see his papa he was the perfect distraction from what was going through everyone’s mind.

That night as DH and I lay in bed we talked about getting away for a holiday, being able to afford private education for CJ, not having to upgrade DH’s car as quickly as we would have – basically trying to put a positive spin on it. I had lost so much blood there was no way there could still be a baby.


27 February 2010

We sat in the waiting room reading the same posters we had before. I couldn’t believe how tired I was. I could have fallen asleep then and there if my mind wasn’t racing so much. When the midwife called us, we were shown into the scan room and she asked how we were, again my voice cracked and I tried to explain what had happened. She was very sympathetic, but to be honest, didn’t look too hopeful. I lay down on the bed and waited. I tried not to look at the screen, but couldn’t help myself. DH held my hand tight, and then we both let out a gasp! “Was that…did I?” The midwife smiled, “there you go, everything is fine”. We couldn’t believe it, there was the wee thing bouncing around good style. The midwife measured him, and he was the perfect size too. I wept with joy!

Mum and dad were stunned too; I think we were all in a state of shock. I was given strict instructions by DH, mum and dad, to take it easy and not move from the couch – no problem!

Later that afternoon, my mum came back over to check how we were doing and keep CJ entertained, but it was the other way around. He had us in stitches, laughing at him singing. He was belting out nursery rhymes into an echo mike, then when he finished and you gave him a round of applause, he put his thumb up and said, “thank you, thank you”. Where he has got this from we have no idea!


1st March 2010

I have caught an absolutely stinking cold – I know it’s because I’m so run down. All I can have is paracetamol and manuka honey, feel ill! I also feel drained, as if I have experienced every emotion possible in the last few days – exhausting. Head’s still bursting too.


4th March 2010

Still bleeding. It had tailed off to a discharge, but back to a period now.


7th March 2010

Kept a small amount of maternity bits and pieces from when I was expecting CJ and got DH to dig them out for me. Need the sports bras desperately! Have picked out a couple of tops that aren’t too “maternity” but will tide me over for a couple of weeks, I’m just a bit porky at the moment, a bit lardy! Not got a bump yet, just a spare tyre – or three!


9th March 2010

Worried again. Had strange thing happen today, my bladder gave way! I’ve never had bladder problems before, but this was weird, it was like I had no control, but when I went to the loo, I could stop the flow no problem, so why was I “leaking?”

At the scan that evening, doctor got wee fella on the screen right away and let us hear his heartbeat – it was so strong. She also measured him and he was the perfect size, however she was concerned that there wasn’t more amniotic fluid. The reason for my weak bladder suddenly dawned on me – my waters had broke. I asked the doctor if this was possible, but she didn’t seem to want to commit to an answer. She said without the bleeding stopping, it was difficult to say. What she did say though, was we weren’t out of the woods yet and made an appointment for another scan for the following Tuesday.

That night I Googled amniotic fluid and made my own diagnosis – we were losing our baby.


10th March 2010

Appointment with Dr Willocks today – at least we knew she would be straight with us. She had been with us every step of the way with CJ and then my fibroid; I knew we could rely on her.

She chatted away with CJ when she came into the room, and told us how delighted she was when she had heard we were pregnant, then she asked how we were. We went through everything and she told she had spoken with the doctor who had scanned us. Her face spoke volumes. She said it didn’t look good, she would love to be proved wrong, but for a baby to lose fluid this early was bad. If it was around 20-30 weeks, you would run the risk of being premature and having respiratory problems so for it happen this early….

She then went on to say we had gone through so much to get pregnant she assumed we would rather let “it” happen naturally, I agreed, and the tears started to flow. She kept apologising and I actually felt sorry for her. I was so impressed with her care before, I had actually given her a thank you card and small photo frame at my last appointment before the myomectomy and she had been all embarrassed. But I told her I got so fed up with people bad mouthing the NHS that I liked to give thanks where it was due.

When we got up to leave she said she would be at Wishaw all day Friday, and to call if I needed anything, I thanked her and gave her a hug, she told me she still had her wee photo frame on her desk, she then hugged DH and apologised again, I couldn’t believe this was happening.

When we stepped outside I saw a girl – pregnant – taking as many draws as possible from a cigarette before getting in her car, I wanted to put her up against the wall and slap her. I’ve never felt so much anger.

DH and I hugged for ages before getting in the car. I can’t explain how heavy my heart felt – still does. I so wanted to give CJ a sibling, he would be a great big brother. Can’t believe what a miracle that wee guy is – he’s a gift.


12th March 2010

Friends wee girls birthday, so CJ and I are off to party, lol! My mate does all kinds of therapy procedures, from spray tans to colonic, so I got a free eyebrow wax and tint – fab! Her sister had a wee girl 18 weeks ago, so she was there and I had a wee cuddle. CJ was straight over wanting a wee hug, handing the baby toys and talking away to her. Realising what a great big brother he would have been almost had me choking up again, but when I think of how lucky DH and I are to have such a fabulous wee boy, I give myself a shake and appreciate what I have and not worry about what I don’t.