December 98
“Look, go and buy a pregnancy test, it’ll put your mind at rest!”
“I’m scared to. I don’t want a baby! And if we are pregnant, it would be due a few weeks before the wedding! We’d have to postpone or bring it forward or…. I don’t want a baby!”
My mind was racing, my dad was in hospital having his second hip operation and my uncle was in the Southern General with a brain tumour. I had an idea my period was late due to stress, but was too scared to take a test. My periods were as regular as clockwork, you could set your watch by them, and I was on the pill, but you did hear horror stories!
Bought the test – negative! Thank God!!!
October 99
Just married! Mother-in-law is giving her wee speach to the wedding video about wanting lots of grand children - my mum butts in "in their own time" - thank you mum! So caught up in the excitement this morning, forgot to take my pill!! Some honeymoon – no sex – no grandkids, thanks very much!!
September 00
Nephew is born, he’s so cute! Huge hints as to when he’s getting a cousin – we’ll they can look to the other side of the family, thanks anyway. He’s a lovely wee thing – wouldn’t want to take him home though!
Summer 01
For the past few months I’ve had a terrible pain and swelling in my leg. Went to the docs and they’ve eventually diagnosed a suspected DVT. So while they’re testing for different things, they’ve told me to come off the pill, and warned me not to fall pregnant! Why has this got me in huge floods of tears? I don’t want a baby – never have! Or do I? Shit! I want a baby!
Husband seems a bit shocked by the sudden change of heart, but agrees our kids will be beautiful and so much better behaved than everyone else’s!
September 01
Doctor’s appointment. DVT tests all clear. I’ve been given my pill back. But do I want to keep taking them? Ask the doc about pregnancy and the DVT scare. “Go forth and multiply!” was the response. So I think I will!
November 01
Join Weight Watchers. I want to be fit and healthy when I fall pregnant. Haven’t told anyone we’re trying to conceive (or ttc, as all the internet forums say), the last thing I want people to have is an image of hubby and I checking our diaries and watches and taking part in scheduled sex. We just want to leave it up to Mother Nature – the Gods – whoever!
January 02
Moved house and have a couple of aunts over to show off our new home. “Oooh new home, new baby.” I act all disgusted, “God I hope not – I don’t have the time!” Then I get comments about my weight loss. “You look great, really slim,” and “my pal lost loads of weight, and then fell pregnant!” I laugh, “Pass me the tray of mini pizzas!” God this is hard work! Anyway, we have far too much to do to the new house; it’s probably just as well there are no babies under our feet at the moment.
March 02
Mum called to give me the news that my 19 year old cousin has got his wee 18 year old girlfriend pregnant. Great! Maybe we shouldn’t “plan” our pregnancy, and it’ll happen!
Summer 02
Nephew number two is born! In-laws all looking at me to provide the next one, and deep down I’m hoping for the same thing, but act all cool, “no thanks, the dog’s enough for now, ha, ha.”
Left Weight Watchers, want to eat chocolate and feel sorry for myself.
New Year 03
After “the bells” I make a mental note to myself that this the year we fall pregnant. All healthy food, little or no alcohol and loads of sex!!
March 03
Our other “baby” died this month. Our 13 year old German Shepherd. We feel physically sick. To anyone who doesn’t have a pet, this will sound crazy, but your pet truly is a member of your family. Our Shepherd was so smart and clever. She could read your mind, and was always ready to cosy in when you were feeling down, and to play when you were up.
Can’t believe how empty the house feels without her.
April 03
I turned 30 this month! Scary! Anyway, my girlfriend’s gave a wonderful prezzie. A bag full of dog toys and a card with £100 in it, saying, “Hope this pays for a couple of legs of your pup.” Hubby and I were both so choked up!
May 03
Picked up our new “baby,” a gorgeous wee German Shepherd pup from a breeder in Beith. He shows his dogs, so it wasn’t some horrible puppy farm. She’s a beauty, a wee character.
October 03
Mega hangover! At a psychic night in a pub. My reading went something like this, I’m being watched over by my dad’s mum, and I’m on my feet all day at work and need to relax more. Hubby’s back has been bothering him; he’s filling in loads of paperwork, and is going to get a new job! Dad needs a new job. I love to read, have millions of shoes and there is a strong smell of paint around me. Have I just moved house? I’m going to visit someone in hospital and get an invite to a wedding. My husband loves me so much, he has me on a pedestal and we’re having twins!!
November 03
Hubby’s started new job! Can’t believe it! We’ve always been self employed, but cash has been really tight, so he applied for a job on one of those internet job sites – and got it! Brilliant!
December 03
Had a Secret Santa night with my girl friends. As the booze began to flow, the chat somehow got round to birth control. By now it’s two years since I came off the pill. So when I was asked what I use, the booze had slowed my brain down and I couldn’t think fast enough! I held up my hand and crossed my fingers….
“Oh my God! Are you trying?”
“This is so exciting!”
“You’re babies will be gorgeous!”
“No, no, no, we’re not trying, but, well, we’re not, not trying, if you know what I mean!”
“How long have you been off the pill?”
“Two years”
“Two years?........and no wee accidents?”
“No……”
January 04
Decided two years is a hell of a long time not to have had any “wee accidents” and make an appointment at the doctors. I’ve to make another for a blood test on the 21st day of my next cycle. Shit! Hate needles, hate blood! Shit!
Friends emailed a picture of their newborn, broke down sobbing in front of the laptop! She’s a beautiful wee thing. Can’t believe I’m actually feeling jealous. Mad at myself! Think it might also be down to how little Hubby and I are seeing each other. His new job is really time consuming, but they have promoted him to Sales Manager already, so we can’t really complain. Nightmare!
February 04
Sister-in-law dropped by – she’s expecting again.
March 04
So, looks like I’m ovulating. Next test, hubby’s sperm. This will be fun!! Decided to have it tested privately, there was a six/eight week wait for an appointment on the NHS, then you have another wait for the results! Costs £120, but at least it might get things moving along a bit quicker.
Anyway, it turns out we’ve won a trip with hubby’s work to Kenya! Excellent! I’m hoping there won’t be too many group trips and activities, so we can spend proper time together. Have to organise Visas and injections – lovely!
April 04
Hubby’s sperm count is low and the motility low. Can’t tell you how sick I feel. Don’t want to go on about it in case he feels guilty. I can’t believe we’ve left it this long to get things checked out. Doctor has referred us to see an infertility consultant. We’ll wait for the appointment. Meantime another sperm sample is to be handed into the hospital and I’ll have to go and give another couple blood samples.
August 04
Hospital appointment with consultant. Confirmation of what we already knew. Hubby’s sperm count is less than a million a millilitre, and has a low motility. The average male produces 20 million. Basically the chances of us ever conceiving without medical intervention are slimmer than I could ever hope to be.
The doctor was helpful enough; with his wee student nurse next him, who had perfected the art of the sympathetic nod and smile. Anyway, he reckons it will take about 18 months for our referral to the Royal Infirmary to come through. You get three chances at assisted conception on the NHS. If you decide to go private, you could lose your place on the list.
I’m gutted, and tried my best to take in what the doc was saying, but just kept thinking of all the times I took the morning after pill, for fear of falling pregnant! Not having sex on our honeymoon! Crazy!
I couldn’t look at hubby; I was scared I would cry. We love each other so much, it hurts. What should be the result of our love for each other will be the product of a Petri dish and syringes. It’s not fair. I know I shouldn’t, but I get angry when I look at wee girls, who can’t possibly have planned their pregnancies, complete with bump and a buggy. I get angry when women describe themselves as not the type of person who is a “stay at home” mum, knowing how much I’m looking forward to it.
But most of all, I get angry at myself for not going to the doctors sooner.
September 04
Nephew number three has arrived, he’s gorgeous, a delicate wee thing. His two brothers were much bigger and darker when they were born, more like their mum’s side. This wee fella looks completely different, like his daddy’s side, and I’m the Godmother!
We're at the meal after the service, and my MIL is parcelling up the Christening Gown, "better keep this good in case somebody else needs it" nodding in my direction, eyebrows raised. "The dog would wreck it" I reply.
Booked a holiday to Nerja, in Spain. We love it; it’s very small and quiet. Can’t wait, we’ll be there for our fifth wedding anniversary. It’ll be so nice to chill out with hubby for a few days.
Appointment card for our referral to the Royal has arrived, March next year. Another sperm sample has to be dropped off a week before the appointment, something else to look forward to!
You know the way it’s sometimes easier to talk to a stranger? Well, I have got chatting to this girl I bump into in the park with the dog. She has a couple of pups herself, and we’ve become good buddies and try to arrange to be in the park at the same. We’ve ended up being good agony aunts/therapists for each other! Anyway, she happens to mention in passing that she is on fertility drugs…..
October 04
Had a wonderful time in Nerja. Hubby organised a champagne breakfast on the balcony for our anniversary and a gorgeous bouquet of roses delivered to the hotel room. It was great having hubby all to myself – well apart from his mobile! (Forgot to mention earlier – he’s been made up to Branch Manager now!)
Promised ourselves we’ll back again within six months (unless I’m pregnant of course) maybe even for my birthday in April.
November 04
Hubby’s boss’s wife has had twins! Beautiful boy and girl, through fertility treatment! It’s amazing how many couples are going through this these days!
December 04
Another Christmas been and gone, and another New Year full of resolutions. This year mine’s is to never buy another ready made meal. My aunt bought me a cook book, and I’ve promised hubby a home cooked meal every night! Got to be good for his swimmers too, instead of all those preservatives!
February 05
Another psychic night and another set of twins!
March 05
Appointment at Glasgow Royal. We were informed we were ideal candidates for ISCI, Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection. This is where the sperm is injected directly into the egg. I am now an internet forum junky. They are a wealth of information. Full of couples going through exactly the same things you are, and understand your range of emotions! Hubby (or DH as they say in forums) and I are now on a range of vitamins and minerals!! Well, it’s really happening now – well in seven to eight months time! Our next appointment will be around October, followed by another three weeks after that, then at my next period! Scary and exciting!!
May 05
Back to Nerja for a week! Wonderful! Another bouquet of roses delivered to the room, another champagne breakfast on the balcony! Perfect! I suppose, at times like this, you don’t miss not being parents. We’ve had afternoon siestas in bed, beautiful meals in quiet romantic restaurants, treated ourselves to ridiculously overpriced gifts!!
I guess what I’m saying is – if we never become parents – it won’t be the worst thing in the world. I truly believe there are people who can’t imagine not being a parent; it’s the only thing they’ve known for a certainty they were going be when they grew up!! I feel Hubby and I love each other enough, that there won’t be this huge void in our relationship if we don’t have children. Do you know what I mean? Maybe I’m just trying to convince myself or prepare myself for the worst – but I know for a fact, hubby and I will grow old together – offspring or no offspring.
July 05
Mum and I bumped into my mother-in-law and sister-in-law, in town. M-I-L is desperate for us to have kids and S-I-L has dropped a few hints about older mum’s having Downs Syndrome kids and how long it can take to fall pregnant. Anyway M-I-L asked my mum (when S-I-L and I weren’t there) “What about grandkids?” Well, mum knows we’re off the pill and waiting for a referral – but that’s all – she hates to think she’s interfering, so prefers not to know our business – which suits me, fine! So, she replied, “Well, that really doesn’t concern me – I’m sure it’ll happen one day. When it’s the right time for them, that’s the right time for me.” Fantastic - MIL had no reply!
August 05
Remember the boss and his wife who had to get IF treatment? They’re pregnant - naturally!! See what happens when you stop trying? Three tiny babies in the house - scary!!
September 05
DH has won us another trip!! Barbados this time!! Yippee!! Anyway, I phoned the hospital to tell them the dates I would be away, just in case they were about to send me an appointment card through – guess what? The list has got longer again!!! We won’t find out when our appointment is until Christmas!!! *$*%*$ *£&$%$
Off to make an appointment for a smear test!! Nearly got all excited when the envelope came through the door from the NHS – turns out my smear is due – wonderful!!
That has got to be the worst smear test I have ever had!! First she couldn’t the wee plastic thingy in to open my watsit, so she had to lubricate her rubber gloved finger and poke about a bit!! Yuck!! When that didn’t work, I had to tell her it was getting a bit uncomfortable (not to mention stomach churning) so she had to get a metal thingy! Reassuring me it had been sterilised, she apologised, again, (she spent the whole appointment apologising) inserted it, then the lollypop stick, then it was all over!!! Thank God!!!
I am now dreading the whole ICSI process – that was only a smear – what am I going to be like having my EC (egg collection) then ET (embryo transfer)!! Yikes!!
Made appointment to have our Jabs for Barbados – another of my favourite things- needles!!
October 05
DH and I have always been convinced our house was haunted – which isn’t a problem as they don’t feel like bad ghosts. Anyway, we finally finished decorating one of the upstairs bedrooms. While DH was at work the carpet fitter came out, so when he finished I moved the furniture in and set the room – it’s beautiful!! When DH came home he was well impressed and asked if this would be the baby room – the lights flickered!! I laughed nervously and left the room saying – yup!!
So, getting clothes ready for Barbados, got our jabs – yuck - and bought some suntan lotion.
November 05
Ages ago I joined the Robbie Williams Inner Sanctum online. This way you get first shout at tickets for his concerts, and as I’ve never missed one of his solo tours yet, I had to make sure I would get tickets for his Close Encounters ’06 tour. When did tickets go on sale to inner sanctum members? When we are in Barbados!!!! I gave my friend my password etc, so she could log on for me before we left. On the day they went on sale there was a few hours of texting and phoning from Barbados as the Robbie site crashed due to non-members trying to log on!! Nightmare, I had to phone the guy who hosts my website, to get him to go into my inbox. Apparently members had received an email with a link to follow. Well, as my email is a business email address, of course my friend couldn’t access it. A twenty minute mobile phone call costing £30 later, I was the proud owner of four tickets to see Robbie at Hampden Park on the 1st September 06!!
Everybody thought I was nuts!! Earlier that day DH and I went into Bridgetown and I got a beautiful Gucci watch, which I told DH to hide away for my Christmas. So everyone was laughing at me – I was as high as a kite with my new watch and my Robbie tickets!!
A letter from the GRI with a list things I had to get done at the doc’s had arrived while we were away!! Blood samples, a smear test and a high vaginal swab (yuck!!) Exciting!!
I also had an evening out to look forward to – or not, on our return from Barbados! The infertility forum I was using online was a great source of information, and also support. A few of us had decided it would be great to meet up, put a face to our daft logon names!! Anyway, I was a bit unsure, it was fine spilling your guts to a faceless post on a forum thread, but to meet up was a bit scary! DH told me to go for it, what’s the worst thing that could happen? Well, to me, the thing I was most scared of was meeting someone I knew. DH and I had decided to keep out treatment (or tx) as secret as possible, very few people knew what we were going through. When I told my sister I was going to meet a few girls at Pizza Hut I had been chatting to online – you can imagine the response!!
We ended up having a great time! What a relief to talk to girls who knew exactly how you were feeling and what you were going through. Pity the people sitting at the table next to us!! Jokes about producing sperm samples, about speculums and lolly pop sticks......
It was also a wake up call – a reality check if you like. While I knew the odds on having a successful cycle of treatment were slim, the fact that there were two girls at a table of six who had had four cycles between them with no positive results spoke volumes. One girl had a little girl from her second cycle of IVF, the rest of us were waiting to start ICSI.
We made plans to meet again after the New Year. Told my dog walking mate, Mary, to join the forum so she could join in!!
December 05
Had our screening appointment at the GRI. The nurse went through a whole batch of paperwork with us. We had to sign forms stating if we gave our permission to use unusable embryos for research, if one of us dies what happens to our samples, have we ever been in a mental institution, how long have we been together, any previous pregnancies? An unbelievable amount of questions! Anyway, that was all for now, and we would see them again in January with the results of all our blood tests!!
When we left DH said that was the first time he actually started to feel excited, that we were actually getting somewhere!! I laughed and joked about me being pregnant taking the kids to their first Robbie concert – I was swiftly advised if I was pregnant, there would be no Robbie concert, and I could expect to be wrapped in cotton wool for nine months!!
Big news – my sister and her boyfriend got engaged!! He tried to be all romantic, asking to come for a walk on Troon beach – she sat in the car saying it was too cold!!
Another Christmas of saying “this time next year…..”
January 06
Had a nice relaxing Christmas and New Year. Got DH an air hockey table, so my sister and her boyfriend came over on Christmas Eve and we had a bit of a tournament. We all woke up on Christmas morning, wondering why our shoulders were killing us!!
Anyway, also bought DH a pair of Links of London Concorde Cufflinks. I couldn’t decide whether to give them to him for his Christmas or his birthday, which was in January. I kept them for his birthday – he was over the moon!! His one big regret is that he never got to go on Concorde, so he was delighted with them.
Back to the GRI for our post screen, and we got to see a lovely wee Indian doctor, who told us everything looked fine with our blood tests. We weren’t HIV positive, and DH’s cystic fibrosis test came back negative! Excellent – we were just waiting on a genetics test result for DH, but were told to phone up on the first day of next period!! Wow – that was only next week!!
One of the girls, Jenny, on the forum was also waiting to start her cycle. This would be her third. When we were told that if you had private treatment, you would lose you place on the NHS queue – what wasn’t explained was – you lost your place if you had a pregnancy! Well obviously we were gutted when we found this out, I’m sure we would have found the cash from somewhere, instead of waiting all this time! Anyway Jenny had had one private and was now onto her second NHS. Her period had come, but when she called the GRI, she was told to call back in March as there was a backlog, and she couldn’t be seen until then!! We suspect that “backlog” is sometimes used instead of “funding shortage”. So, needless to say, I was terrified the same thing was going to happen to us, when I phoned the following week – of course – it did!!
One of my best girlfriends Rebecca called – she’s pregnant! I’m absolutely delighted for her; she has been trying for a year, so I know she was beginning to panic a little. When I came off the phone, of course I had a wee cry; I was feeling sorry for myself.
The next night, another phone call, this time from my other best girlfriend, Suzy. Because Rebecca had called the night before with her news, she felt it was only fair to tell us hers – she’s pregnant too!! She wanted to keep it secret until the 12 week stage as she is older than us and is scared of miscarrying. Again, I was over the moon for her, but again, had a wee cry to myself.
February 06
Letter to DH from GRI – please come to see us regarding your genetics test. You have a chromosome translocation. This is nothing to be particularly alarmed about, but a meeting would be beneficial.
DH has a translocation in chromosome 13. This can cause Patau’s syndrome and is the reason for his low sperm count. The doctor made an appointment for us with the Genetics Department, which we should receive through the post shortly.
To say we were numb would be an understatement. The first thing we did was look up the syndrome online – worst thing we could have done! Pictures of poor wee babies with cleft pallets who die a week after being born. With an assisted pregnancy, you have a higher risk of miscarriage than normal, with this syndrome a higher risk again.
Suzy called, she’s miscarried. I’m gutted for her; it was as if she was scared to get excited, as if she knew. She’s decided to get married, arranging her wedding will take her mind off it.
Rebecca called the following week, she’s miscarried too. I can’t believe it! Both these girls are fitness instructors – super fit, super slim, and super healthy. If they can’t have a baby – what chance have I got! Rebecca’s going to plan her wedding too!
March 06
Decided we need to get away, so booked up for a wee week to Nerja. We have to get away from everything and everybody. The stress of the Patau’s has brought my neck out in Eczema, and I had to get steroid cream from the doctors. She told me to stop looking online, and wait for the genetics appointment – which still hasn’t arrived by the way. We also realised we would have to tell DH’s family as the syndrome is genetic. My sister in law, has three boys, so there is a chance they could all be carriers. Obviously would mean them having to know about our fertility treatment. DH’s mother had been a good one for dropping hints about babies and most of the time I let them go in one ear and out the other, but other times they hurt. “A white dress and a piece of paper don’t make a marriage, a baby makes a marriage” was a killer!
We had a great time - Nerja was excellent as usual. It was off season, so nice and quiet. Apart from wandering round the market on the Tuesday, we done nothing but laze on the sun loungers, reading books all day. Because of the treatment, it had been a long time since we had had a drink. We want to be as healthy as possible, so we would have the odd wine with dinner, but nothing too crazy. One afternoon it was a bit dull, so we went a wander round the shops, we had seen a leather jacket on sale for DH and decided to go and buy it. Passing an Irish Pub on the way back, we realised it was St Patrick’s Day, so went in for a wee drink – why not!!!
Needless to say, as both our systems weren’t used to much alcohol (we’re not huge drinkers anyway) we ended up back in our bed at 3pm totally wrecked, with me throwing up down the toilet for good measure!!
When we got home we decided we better fill DH’s mum in on the details of our treatment and the Patau’s syndrome. She was obviously devastated for us both. We left her to give SIL the details; she was gutted for us to. I think mother in law felt guilty for all her we digs in the past. Anyway, she apologised, but I let her know I was affected by what she said by saying, “if a couple don’t have children, it’s because they don’t want them or can’t have them. Either way….”
I raise my eyebrows, thinking to myself, it's no-ones business but theirs!
Called into the GRI on the first day of my period – bumped to the following month again – the same happened to Jenny!
April 06
We got the appointment through for the genetics department, 19th April, same day as my period was due. I was so tense! We had to go to the Maternity Ward – sensitive huh?! Wishaw General is a huge building, I’m sure there was a spare office somewhere we could have used!
Anyway the woman was one of these head-tilting soft spoken ones. She explained the chances of passing Pataus to the baby were 1%. 1%!!! All this stress for 1%! She went to say if we got pregnant, I would have to be tested at around 10 weeks. If the baby had Pataus, it would have to be aborted, as chances are, I would miscarry anyway. DH kept saying, “but there is a 99% chance everything will be fine!” We came away relieved that all the worry had really been for nothing. Let’s face it, if you had a 99% chance of winning the lottery – everyone would be doing it!!
Aunt Flo didn’t appear until later that evening, so I had to wait until the next morning to phone ACS. Jenny had already called them and was going in for her blood sample the following day.
I was so excited phoning the ACS Unit, when they answered, my words came stumbling out! She asked what treatment, and I told her ICSI. She apologised and told me to call back next month, as all the slots were filled!! I broke down!! I told her this was the third time this had happened! She said she was sorry, but there were 20 places per week, and they couldn’t go over that for our own safety. My tears must have registered with her, because she told me she would get someone to call me back.
I called DH, (he was down south at a conference) sobbing down the phone. He was mad. Mad that he wasn’t here for me, mad that the system had you over a barrel and there’s nothing you can do about it, and mad that our dream was on hold for another month!!
I texted my new fertility girl friends and they couldn’t believe it. Especially Jenny as she had only called 24 hours before.
The phone rang and I snatched it thinking it was the GRI – it was the genetics doctor. She was calling to let us know that after discussing our case with colleagues, they discovered that the 1% was only applicable to natural pregnancies, as our was assisted, the figure was more like 10%!
I came off the phone and howled! I couldn’t believe how elated I was feeling yesterday, and how unbelievably shit I was feeling now!
The phone rang again. Rebecca this time. It was her hen weekend this weekend, and she wanted to know what my plans were. I broke down. She told me to forget her hen weekend, and that she was on her way over. When she arrived I had calmed down a bit. I had called a woman at Infertility Network and she explained they would probably offer to down reg me twice instead of just the once to get me into the system. The down reg injection is given on day 21 of your cycle to stop you ovulating. It can give you menopausal symptoms.
I was explaining this to Rebecca and she said to go for it – let’s face it – I couldn’t feel any worse that I already did! She was trying for a baby again, but no luck yet. She said she knew how gutted she was when her period came very month, so she couldn’t begin to imagine how DH and I felt.
GRI phoned and told me to come in the next day to give my blood sample, and again a few weeks later for my first of two Prostap injections. I would be back for the down reg the same day as Jenny; we decided a wee shopping trip afterwards would make us feel better!
May 06
Rebecca looked like a bride from a bridal magazine. She was absolutely stunning. I got a couple of sympathetic “how are you’s”, from her sisters. Rebecca obviously had to explain my absence from her hen weekend. It’s just as well I hadn’t gone, I wouldn’t have been drinking, and I would have spent the entire time feeling sorry for myself – all tears and snotters!
Jenny and I met at the ACS waiting room. Jenny was in for her injection first, then me. It was better than I thought – my spare tyre coming in handy for once!! I had given so many blood samples by now, needles were no longer freaking me out!
We wandered down Sauchiehall Street, and had a sarnie in Prêt a Monger, watching everyone rush by. You feel jealous sometimes, wondering what it must be like to have an ordinary life and trying to remember what “normal” feels like.
We stopped in at Watt Bros and spent loads on half price lip-gloss, followed by a scrum in Primark!! We called one of our fellow forum friends, and asked if she could meet us for lunch. It was a gloriously sunny day, so we grabbed a seat outside Sartis, and ordered a few soft drinks. Sitting in the girls company, I felt guilty that I couldn’t open up to my other girlfriends in the same way. It had been a long time since the three of us had sat and chatted like this.
My fertility girlfriends and I met up to go to a psychic fayre!! I know, so sad, but all you need is one medium to tell you there is a baby in your future, and for whatever reason, you believe them!
June 06
Second Prostap injection and first internal scan!! For the internal, they use something the forums like to call a “dildo cam”. I don’t think I need to spell it out to you! They check your womb lining is nice and thin and your ovaries. You then collect your drugs, needles and a small sharps box to dispose of them in. You are given something similar to pen as apposed to a normal needle. You load up the pen with a small vial of follicle stimulating drugs, attach a very fine needle to one end, turn the plunger at the other to the correct dosage and inject into your tummy. I decided to do mine in the morning. The drugs have to be kept in the fridge, so DH would get up and make the tea and bring me my paraphernalia. The first couple took me ages to do. I sat for several minutes with the pen pointed at my tum, psyching myself up! DH offered to do it for me, but I was determined to do it myself.
Suzy looked stunning – she was a beautiful bride. But most of all, she looked unbelievably happy! Her huge smile was matched by her husbands. Their grins did not slip from their faces once all evening. What was slipping however was the make-up from my face. My Prostap induced flushes were incredible, and the 84˚ heat didn’t help. I had a fan I bought in Nerja with me, but I could have been doing with a cold shower. DH and I had to bow out at 11pm, before I was sitting in a puddle!
A couple of weeks later, Suzy called - she's pregnant. Now, of course, I am absolutely delighted for her - how could I not be? She's a wonderful friend and I love her to bits....but. I am hoping and praying our treatment works, I'm not sure how I would cope, watching her bump grow, while I just get fat with all the drugs I'm pumping into my system.
Back to the GRI Friday 9am. Another internal scan. By this point, I constantly feel like I need to pee!! Sorry, but it's the only way I can explain it. Your tum is swollen and there is pressure on your insides - not pleasant! Anyway, the nurse was pleased with what she saw, 13 plus follies and a nice thick womb lining - lovely. They would call me in the afternoon and tell me whether I would be back for another scan on Monday, or straight to egg collection. Back to the waiting room first to wait to collect another couple of days worth of drugs and my hcg booster injection.
GRI phoned that afternoon telling me they were happy to go ahead with my egg collection on Tuesday, which meant taking my booster injection at 8.15pm (yes they are that precise) on Sunday, no stim on Monday morning and no food or drink after midnight on Monday. The booster is what makes you ovulate, so hopefully that nice bunch of follies will give a good crop of eggs.
Anyway, I can't explain the excitement. This was it, this time next week, I would "technically" be pregnant! Ok, it wouldn't show on a peestick - but I would know I had two embryos inside me. Two tiny pieces of me and my DH....
Tuesday morning driving into Glasgow, my legs were like jelly. We made our way to the assisted conception suite, and left our dignities at the door! DH was shown a "private room" to produce his sample. I should tell you that I have always done this for him! Picture the scene, dog barking outside, cos she knows something's going on, DH with trousers round his ankles and me.....well.... Then DH running out the door with sample pot safely installed in his inside pocket to keep it warm, and get it to the hospital within the hour!! Anyway after a lot of form filling and introductions to various members of staff, it's finally time to change into the oh so flattering backless nightie and paper hat!! Nightie on, I slip over the top of it a nice new dressing gown, bought especially for today and my slippers, keeping the lovely paper hat to the last minute!
One last kiss and cuddle from DH and it's a short walk (yes walk - did I mention this was the NHS?) to the operating room. By this point it's about 10am, the operation should take about 30-40 minutes. In the room there is a small window to the left, behind which is the embryologist. Confirm your name and date of birth and then hop onto the bed. One nurse takes your slippers and dressing down away, while another raises the bed slightly. The anaesthetist chats away while getting her drugs ready, and I find myself asking why there aren't pictures of handsome men on the ceiling!!! EH??! This of course starts a debate on who should be up there, which leads to a discussion on who your favourite cast member of Lost is!!! I vaguely recall being told by the doctor that she was about to clean me (don't remember my legs being put in the stirrups), then clean me inside - yeuch! I also remember a sharp pain inside, then nothing until they moved me onto the other bed and wheeled me into the recovery room.
When I woke in the recovery room, I was convinced I was having a conversation about Nerja!! I am now totally embarassed by thought of me gabbing away nonsensically during the whole process!! As we like to say up here - rid neck!!
Anyway, I look round and there was DH standing in the doorway, the nurse saw him, saw I was awake, and said he could come in for a wee minute, if he was quiet. He told me to get some sleep and he would check on me later. After half an hour or so - I couldn't sleep - the nurse asked if I wanted tea and a sandwich!! Yes please!!! And some water - so thirsty!! Half way through my tea, DH appeared again, poor guy must have had a desperate look on his face and another of the nurses brought him through. Meanwhile the nurse with the tea and sandwiches asked to check if I was bleeding - eh? She lifted the sheet, and I was amazed to see a lovely big sanitary pad stuck to the bed between my legs - I had no idea!!
So, time to get dressed, go home and call the embryologist tomorrow to see how many of the seven eggs collected have fertilised. DH is worried there was actually enough sperm for the job!!
On the phone the next morning, I'm delighted to hear we have four fertilised - back on Friday for embryo transfer.
Friday afternoon, and another loss of whatever dignity I have left by this point. DH and I are both in fetching hospital issue gowns and hats. As I make myself comfortable the nurse asks the doctor if she's a "bed up or bed down" bed up is the reply and my naked flower is now eye level with the doctor!! Three speculums later I am told I have a long cervix and could I ball up my fists and place them under my bum cheeks!! No problem! Would I mind, if she rested her arm on my leg? Not at all. What's the weather like outside? Eh?? Anyway, both embies on board, we wait a few minutes, then I hop off the bed to go back to the recovery room and get dressed.
Waiting for us is a nurse with a box of pessaries. Insert one every 12 hours, we'll hear how you get on - good luck.
So - straight home and feet up on the couch - the two week wait begins!
Sunday morning and my stomach is so swollen, you would think I was at least four or five months pregnant!! I have the most painful trapped wind I have ever had in my life. Reading the pessary box, it does mention that it's a side affect, so I call NHS 24 to see if I can take Windeze or something - go straight to the local A&E! Why?? By this point I can't even pee it is so sore, so I start to panic!! Of course there is nothing the A&E or the early pregnancy unit can do except threaten me with a cathater!! Picture me wincing and hovering over a pee sample bowl!!
Anyway three hours later we are back home, I'm chomping on the Deflatine and drinking loads of water.
A few days later my friend Jenny, who was about a week ahead of me with her tx, gets her result, Big Fat Negative! I'm gutted for her! This is her third cycle - how do you recover?
She comes to visit me a few days before my test date. She's had hair done as a distraction for those at work who know why she was off. " Great new hairdo" instead of "How are you?" complete with obligatory head tilt!
The night before my test date, my back and stomach have that all too familiar dull cramp. I had got DH to buy a peestick, but I know it will be staying in its' box. I don't need a Clearblue to tell me what I already know - we've failed.
Next morning, when I go to the loo, the beginnings of my period are there. I'm shattered. I had spent most of the previous night in tears. DH was trying to stay positive, holding me, stroking my hair, but I knew.
We still had to take a urine sample into the GRI, so off we go. DH took the day off. It was a gorgeous day too, so we sat out the back garden in our loungers. Every now and then a wave would come over me and I would be in floods of tears. Then I would almost feel relief that the stress was over - until the next time!
August 06
Rebecca called - she's pregnant! I can't believe it!! Her cycle has been all over the place since her D&C so she had no idea, she's seven weeks gone already! Meanwhile Suzy's been for a private scan to check for Downs Syndrome, everything's fine.
Also my sister put an offer in for a house and it was accepted!
Told DH everyone's news that evening, and the reality that the stress of infertility was playing on him too kicked in -"woopdy doo, for Suzy, woopdy doo for Rebecca, woopdy doo for your sister! When will it be woopdy doo for us?!"
Paulina, one of my fertility girlfriends, is off to LA for treatment, this will be her forth private cycle, the previous three at the Nuffield in Glasgow. I am praying it works for her. The treatment seems to be much more tailored over there, much more specific to the couples needs.
I send her texts wishing her luck and say a wee prayer for her I was given by a friend - the prayer for motherhood. And would you believe - she got a positive!!! Now, in LA they will transfer up to five embryos, so her worry is that more that one will have taken, which will mean her having to abort any extra (I know, I'm sorry, that sounds horrible, but I don't know how else to put it!) So, when your average couple get pregnant, they're delighted, yes they have the usual worries, but when a couple going through fertility treatment get a positive - you will be hard pushed to find anyone who enjoys their pregnancy before the 14/15 week point! If at all!!
With treatment you have an above average risk of miscarriage, birth defects, multiple births etc, so until they see the healthy baby, it's one big worry!
A couple of weeks later when she went for her scan, there were two sacs, which was a relief, but as I say also a worry. If one came away now, that wouldn't too much of a concern, but if it came away after say 12 weeks, then there is a risk it would cause the other to miscarry too.
So we're praying again that everything will be ok - I've never been so religious!
Meanwhile my period is now about two weeks late!! The one time I want it so I can start treatment again, it's missing in action!!
By the way, Fiona's DH's sperm quality has improved, so they are off to the IUI waiting list!!
September 06
Sister got the keys of her new house the same day as the Robbie Williams concert, so she sold her ticket to Trish. Looking on the bright side if we were pregnant, we probably wouldn't have been able to go. Especially if you saw they way were bouncing about, lol!!! The man's a born entertainer!!
Aunt Flo arrived last week, so Prostap on the 18th September and first scan on the 11th October. This time I'm going for acupuncture.
Apparently there's a woman in America who tested the stress levels of a couple going through fertility treatment - they were the same as a cancer patient and an HIV patient!! This time I'm going to try and stay completely chilled!!
